Today is one of those times that I wish I didn't have a blog. Every so often, God tells me it's time to write something. And it's those times where I REALLY don't want to share what He has told me to share.
And on this rainy, spring Boone day, God has told me to share. Ugh. Bleh. Blech. Goo.
So, I'll share. But I don't really want to. But I will, because I have found that obedience to the Lord is always best. Always.
I HATE being on sabbatical. I don't hate all of it, but I'd say that I hate 91% of it.
And I think what I hate even more than being on sabbatical is knowing that no one can really understand why I hate it so much. If I had a nickle for every time someone said how lucky I am, or how envious they are of this time, I could actually afford to be on sabbatical forever. (Oh God, please no!)
I've had a lot of time to think about why I hate it. And I think I can boil it down to this...I just don't feel very purposeful, and I REALLY miss my work community. I got to work with people that I like A WHOLE LOT! Although we are still friends, and I still see them, I miss seeing them everyday. These people made me laugh so much. I realize I don't laugh as much anymore. That's sad to me.
I've found myself in a bit of a depression these past few months. (Gulp...) That's hard to share. I don't think I've said those words out loud to anyone. I'm not ashamed of that. But, I don't like it. It's not me. It's not what I want for my life, and it's certainly not what I wanted for this time.
Newton's First Law of Motion states..."An object at rest will stay at rest, forever, as long as nothing pushes or pulls on it."
Although I was longing for rest, I didn't need every part of me to come to a standstill. And that's how I've been feeling. I've had no pushing or pulling, and it feels as if life has just stopped.
And when life seems to just stop, that is a very powerful force. I've felt like I've been on one of those rides at Six Flags where the centrifugal force sticks you to the wall, as it spins faster and faster. The world has still been spinning madly on, and I feel like I have been stuck, and unable to force myself to do much of anything.
I imagined I would accomplish the following things during this time:
*Lose 20 pounds||I've gained 6-7.
*Read a million books||I've only read one. Andy's Cohen's book. (But, I did read it twice.)
*Fall deeper in love with Jesus||I've felt further from Him than I have in years.
*Read the Bible voraciously||Some days I can't even seem to read a one minute daily devotional.
*Exercise 5-6 times a week||I think I've done it 5-6 times this year.
I haven't been able to shake Newton's First Law for the last few weeks. It has resounded with me. I finally decided last Sunday that if I want things to change, then I was going to have to change them. That I was going to have to decide to create that push or pull to change my inertia and begin motion. I knew that it was as simple as doing one thing, and from there, an object in motion stays in motion.
So, I got up and went for a walk, even though it was raining. And then I went to the grocery store. And then I went to the pottery studio. And then I started volunteering my time with a really cool local organization. Then I went on another walk. And spent time with friends. And met with a friend about tutoring her son. And went on a hike. And went to church. And did more and more pottery. And now, a week later, I have again become an object in motion.
It's not that I've missed the action of being busy, I've missed the act of being engaged. I've been disengaged. Depressed. Sulking a bit. I hit a rough patch, and finally decided to fight back. And, it feels good to be back.
This has just been a very strange time in my life. And although I haven't loved it, I have learned SO MUCH. I am ready to work. I'd take the right job tomorrow! But, God has still told me no. He hasn't opened the doors yet, and has in fact closed many doors.
I have $4666.98. (This doesn't include the earnings from my home...I have deemed those funds off limits.) That won't last me much longer. I thankfully don't have any debt, but I do pay rent, tithe, cell phone, car insurance, and a health co-op every month. I also support a family in Mexico. Every time I send funds to them, my heart starts to beat fast as I watch this amount drain down.
And yet, I know that it's all going to be OK. God has reassured me a million times that He's got me. And, I believe that! In fact, I don't question that at all. And through odd jobs, I've made $650 this year! :) And, I have several things coming up in the next few weeks that will help supplement as well. God has been so funny and creative with me.
I like that. I don't like everything that has been happening during this time, but I do like that.
God, thanks for trusting me with this time, even though I've been a bit of a disaster. Thanks for getting me back in motion.
