Ugh...

Sometimes I get tired of being "on guard".  I think about how nice it would be if I didn't have to be on high alert...always being aware of and being prepared to fight against Satan's attacks.  

I've felt so loved and protected lately.  Feeling like I'm in God's palm, safe from the attacks of the enemy.  But today, I felt that sneakiness creep in.  

The things that happened today were of little consequence, and quite small in the grand scheme of it all.  But, I started to feel the suffocating weight of worry.  I'm not a worrier by nature.  My faith and relationship with God is flawed in many ways.  But the one thing that I've always leaned on is that I trust God, and I always believe that He will work things out.  

Today, I worried about money.  I never worry about money.  It was compounded by the fact that I was sitting in the dentist's chair (which always makes for the worst moments of my life!) trying not to hyperventilate.  Learning that I had four ("they call me Yuck Mouth, because I don't brush...") cavities, and that I now have to go back to the dentist twice in the next few weeks.  Gulp.  And that those visits will cost me $200.  Double gulp.  And sitting in the chair, already on the verge of panic because it's my least favorite activity, I remembered that I got a speeding ticket two weeks ago that will cost me $240.  And of course, that was completely my fault, and I take full ownership. (Although I didn't realize I was speeding...which is an issue all on its own!)  And after I left the torture, that most people refer to as a teeth cleaning, I stopped to pick up my new contacts.  Another $200.  

As of two weeks, I don't have a job.  I don't have an income.  And all of these months leading up to this, God has clearly told me not to sweat it.  That He will take care of me.  That if I'll let Him, He'll provide.  But today, I let my guard down for a minute.  I let worry creep in.  I let my doubts and fears take over.  

And then I remembered...that I am God's kid.  That Satan has no right to creep into my life.  I have the armor of God on.  I will stand firm, and I will let God do the fighting for me.  

"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God,so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.


And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people." Ephesians 6:10-18

Closer...

Isn't it nice to feel understood?!  To feel heard?  To feel connected?  

I was unexpectedly blessed today by a conversation about my "next steps".  I felt understood.  I felt heard.  I felt connected.  And even better, I felt validated.  I in no way need validation for my decisions, as I am swimming in complete peace.  But, how lovely to see the person across from me smile and nod with understanding.  Not just because they cared about what I was saying, but because they have walked a very similar path before, and know that I have a grand adventure in store.  I walked away feeling so encouraged and grateful for like-mindedness.   

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I went on a walk tonight.  I put a song on repeat.  (Not shocking to anyone that knows me!)  It's called "Closer".  I've been listening to this for days.  It has spoken volumes to me.  As I was walking through the beauty of the mountains tonight, I realized that my hands were raised above my head.  It was an involuntary response to the music I was hearing, the beauty around me, and the grace, mercy and closeness that I am feeling to the Lord.  He is worthy to be praised...even if that means looking like a crazy person in the middle of the road.

Closer--Bethel Music
Your love has ravished my heart
And taken me over, taken me over
And all I want is to be
With You Forever, with You forever

Pull me a little closer
Take me a little deeper
I want to know Your heart
'Cause your love is so much sweeter
Than anything I've tasted
I want to know Your heart

Real or not real???

Real or not real?  

This will reveal that I'm a 13 year old girl at heart.  I remember reading a line from the Hunger Games series that meant a lot to me. 

Peeta had lost his memory.  He doesn't know what is truth, and what is a lie.  He says to Katniss..."You love me.  Real or not real?  Katniss responds with "real."  

I love this.  Not because of the gushy love stuff.  But because we all need someone or lots of someones in our lives that will tell us real or not real.  

Satan is the master of lies.  He knows where we are tender.  He knows where we are weak.  He knows how to take us down.  He knows how to twist truth into lies.

I have somehow hit the friendship jackpot.  I have lots of someones that will speak truth into my life.  

I was driving home tonight, and I pulled over to the side of the road to talk to my friend, Brittany.  I shared something with her that was causing me anxiety.  Something that causes me to doubt all that I am.  I was sobbing.  She spoke truth over me.  She helped me weed through what is real, and what is not real.  

I believe that Satan wants us to leave our junk in the darkness.  To wallow in shame.  To carry our burdens by ourselves.  He knows that if we will keep our stuff in the shadows, that he has a better chance of perpetuating the lies.  I don't want that.  I don't need to share my "stuff" with everyone.  But I knew at this moment, that I didn't need to sit in a dark corner by myself.  I needed my friend to speak truth over me, and to remind me how ridiculously loved I am by our Lord.  

If you don't have a person that will help you know what is real or not real, I encourage you to seek one out.  Ask God to provide someone in your life that will always help point you to the light.  

"Beyond a doubt truth bears the same relation to falsehood as light to darkness."  Leonardo da Vinci 

A taste of things to come...

Today has been deeeelightful.  I took the day off to recoup from our crazy, fun, busy trip to Guyana.

Today has felt like a tiny taste of some of the things God has in store for the coming year.

I woke up and went for a beautiful, hilly walk.
I drank coffee on the back porch.
I read about God's love and promises.
I spent time praying out loud.
I talked to two of my dearest friends on the phone.
I've had "Fast Car" by Tracy Chapman on repeat.
I sanded and respackled my friends bathroom so that it would be ready to paint.  (I've gotta earn my keep!)

I've been lost in thought today.  Beautiful thoughts about the goodness of the Lord.  It has been amazing to have time to simply think and process.  And dream.  I've been doing a lot of dreaming today.  I like that.  It's been a while since I've dreamed big for MY life.  I feel like God has given me permission to tell him the things my heart longs for...without feeling sheepish or selfish.

It's funny, I was looking at the timehop app, and the following is a quote I posted exactly 4 years ago...

"It seems to me we can never give up longing and wishing while we are alive.  There are certain things we feel to be beautiful and good, and we must hunger for them."  George Eliot

Beautiful and good things.  I'm ready.

Things are getting real...

I have no idea how to manage a blog.  And truthfully, I'm not even sure I want to have a blog.  I take that back...I KNOW I don't want to have a blog.

But, I feel like I'm supposed to.  The Lord has been doing an exceptional work in my life, and I feel like He wants me to share his goodness with the masses.  (And by the masses, I mean the 10 people who will probably ever read this!)  

It's been a crazy, cool couple of months.  I feel like I'm in a sweet spot right now.  I see the Lord's thumbprint ALL over my life.  I feel like he's written my story, and everyday, he lets me flip a page.  I don't get to read ahead.  I don't get to skip pages.  And more than anything, I'm trying not to skim the content.  

My eyes are open.  My heart is ready.  My faith is engaged.  

This journey is going to be exciting.  And at times, this journey is going to suck.  It will be humbling.  It will be sacrificial.  It will test me to the limits of my organized self.  I don't get to be in charge.  I don't love that.  I'm a doer. I like to get things done.  I don't like to wait on others.  But, I am choosing to wait on the Lord.  

And along this journey, I hope to find rest, love, laughter, and purpose.  His ways are always better than ours.  I believe that.  I really do.  

I just finished leading my last trip to Guyana, and got a new phone number today.  Things are getting real.  My last day of work is August 15th, and my heart is in no way prepared to say goodbye to that community.  Obedience is sometimes very painful.  But, do what you always did, and get what you always got.  So...I'm jumping off the cliff, and really looking forward to the free fall.

These are words that I'm taking with me on my journey...

"There's nothing on my horizon except everything...everything is on my horizon."  Dwight K. Schrute