As I shared previously, I felt that God had led me to buy a home in Boone, and open a pottery studio in the basement. I worked my tail off to get EVERYTHING done before I left for Europe. And I do mean everything. I left no stone unturned. I completed every legal and financial step to be a recognized business in North Carolina. I ordered business cards, gift tags, and gift certificates. I purchased and washed the sheets for my new beds. I bought shower curtains, bath rugs, and towels. I assembled the stools for my new kitchen. I packed up all of my belongings. I had the contractor at the ready to start construction on the studio the day the house closed. I had purchased all of the supplies and equipment that I would need to start my business. I got my website up and running, and was accepting orders. I bought paint when it was on sale to paint the walls of the house. I set up appointments with the cable and internet companies, and had set up the account in my name for utilities. I ordered mattresses to be delivered the day after I got back from Europe. My best friend from high school was flying to meet me when I arrived back in Charlotte to help me move, clean, paint, and get settled. Literally all that was left to be done was to come back from Europe and pick up the keys and actually move in.
I was originally supposed to close on the house on August 31st. Some structural issues were revealed in the inspection. The owner agreed to fix everything on the report. Weeks and months rolled past, and they were having a hard time finding an available contractor. The closing date kept getting pushed back. I was certain that we would close before I left for Europe, but that didn't happen. I started getting messages while I was in Spain that some of the work had been done, but it was still mostly at a standstill. While I was in Italy, I received a message that the work had been completed, but it didn't seem to be done well. The house was located on the side of a very steep incline, and poorly completed structural work didn't sound too great.
The following was posed to me..."I want to make sure you are 100% positive that this is the house for you." And I had been. There was no question. But, I didn't want to be so laser focused and stubborn to turn a blind eye to the fact that new information had been presented to me. But, it was tricky. I was feeling emotionally spent. I was in Italy, surrounded by strangers. (I really loved my classmates, and they were a great support during this time, but I had only known them for a week.) I was feeling confused, lost, angry, and really upset. I was a world away, trying to make one of the most important decisions of my life. I've rarely felt distraught in life, but in those moments, I was overwhelmed. I always know the answer to any question that is posed to me about my life. I am a swift decision maker. I know what I like, and who I am. But during this time, I couldn't think straight. I knew that backing out on the home, meant postponing the launch of my business. Indefinitely.
I was swirling. I was trying to make a rational decision during an emotional crisis. It seemed like an impossible task. I think the thing that was the hardest, is that I was CERTAIN that God had set me on this path. Was He closing the door? Was this a roadblock that I was supposed to fight through and make the repairs happen? Did I hear Him incorrectly?
I e-mailed my parents and 3 trusted friends. I needed rational thinkers who weren't as emotionally connected to the situation. They unanimously agreed that I needed to back out.
So, I backed out. I then received a message that the owners would make sure that everything would be done correctly if I agreed to move forward. Ugh. This just confused me even more. I was starting to lose my mind. I was wavering...getting lured back into the situation, because simply, I just wanted it to work out. I called my friend, Katy, and she didn't answer. So, I called her husband Tony. He is smart, and we just get each other. I was walking from the school to where I was staying, and I was sobbing. I was telling him about how sad and confused I was. He listened, and then calmly said "It's a closed door, and you need to walk away. When we bust through doors that are closed, the outcome is always bad." And that was it. That was the wisdom I needed. I wrote my realtor and said that I was done. I told him that this felt like when you get a bad haircut, and you go back to the same person to fix it, and it just makes it worse. I didn't trust that the contractor could make a bad fix better.
There was some relief in finally making a decision, but I was overcome with sadness. I was in the middle of beautiful Tuscany, and I just felt lost. The bottom had dropped out. The life that I was supposed to come home to completely changed in the matter of minutes.
Somehow that night, I had the best sleep EVER. I think that was God's way of telling me that everything was going to be OK. That I hadn't heard Him wrong, but that the plan was simply being tweaked for the better. The peace that passes all understanding washed over me while I slept. I woke up feeling lighter. I was no longer distraught.
And that is such a strange and wonderful feeling. I am now back in the US after 39 days abroad, and instead of being freaked out that I am back at square one, I feel completely peaceful. I'm not scrambling. I'm not trying to put a plan in place. I'm simply taking a deep breath, and waiting on the Lord. I don't know what is next, but I keep hearing Him whisper that it's going to be good.
"I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my loving eye on you." Psalm 32:8
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