Living in want...

It's been a few weeks since I've written anything.  I just didn't feel like writing. I don't feel like writing today.  But, as with each time, God has nudged me, so I'm being obedient.  

I mentioned before that I was working in the OCC warehouse.  I did that for the past 4 weeks.  It was hard.  Really hard.  My body ached every single night.  I had bruises from head to toe.  And funny enough, I learned the hard way that I have an allergy to cardboard.  After putting together several hundred cardboard boxes one day, my eyes swelled shut, and my throat closed shut.  So, that was fun!  I've learned that I have to keep my contact with cardboard to a minimum, which is virtually impossible in a warehouse.  Most days, it's not too bad, and it just leaves me a little bit itchy.

Last week we started our training for the upcoming processing season (which starts today).  I'm the Quality Control Manager (which I think is hilarious!) for the second shift.  I'll be working from 2:30-11:30 pm.  This is 6 days a week, and will go until December 20th.  And wouldn't you know, my area is in charge of cardboard collection and removal.  Haha! 

Although I'll miss out on every social activity for the next month, I am SO grateful that I can sleep in. In the midst of working, God has still figured out a way to give me rest. He's pretty great like that.  

I've had to process some things this week, and battle a little bit of guilt.  Many of the people I'll be working second shift with are working other jobs.  They have families they are supporting, and need this extra, seasonal income to make ends meet.  They are working all day, and then coming in to work the night shift.  They will have very little contact with their families for 4 weeks.

I've felt a little bit silly and shallow when I think about the fact that I don't need this job.  Now, it's not that I'm rolling in dough.  It's just that every decision that I've made in the last 10 months was to make sure that I could afford to live, potentially jobless, for the next year.  And truthfully, that has come with many sacrifices on my end. I sold all of my belongings.  I sold my home.  I've chosen to move into a room, instead of owning or renting.  I don't have any debt, and my car is paid off.  

I've been churning all of this around in my head.  And what I've decided is that guilt gets you nowhere.  Our circumstances are our own, and aren't really comparable to others.  And if I'm letting you into the depths of my heart, I would much prefer that I needed this job, because it would mean that I had a family that is counting on me.  I would trade the financial freedom of a single person for a family of my own in a heartbeat.  I'd love to be in debt up to my ears because my husband and I are in the process of adopting.  I'd love to take an extra job to pay for my kids' braces.  I'd love to fight with my spouse about the stress of not having enough, and then working together to come up with a solution.  

Phew.  That was hard to write.  I'm ugly crying right now.  

Life is hard.  We always want what others have.  But, 'ol Paul was on to something:  

"I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength."

I may have plenty, but I am still living in want. Oh Father, please help me to be content.

Her...

I've been waiting for this moment. I knew it would eventually happen. I wasn't sure when, but I knew it would be soon.

It was this morning.

I sent this text to my friend, Brittany.

"I knew it would happen eventually, and today is the day...that the weight of all the changes in my life feel suffocatingly heavy. So I'm just sitting on the back steps and crying, and praying and processing. Oh how I wish you were sitting next to me right now."

I sold everything I own. I moved out of my house. It sat empty for three months. I moved in with a most gracious friend. I quit my job. I moved to DC two days later for six weeks. I came back to North Carolina. I'm working for the next two months. I closed on my house. Some of my relationships have lessened, and some have deepened. There are future dreams and possibilities swirling. There is just a a lot going on.

And although I'm all in, and I trust God, this morning, I was sad. And I was missing the familiar. And more than anything, I missed waking up in a bed I own, and sitting outside on my porch. And I don't feel bad about that. I think it's ok to mourn the loss of things and places and memories.

But in the midst of that moment, my champ of a friend sent me the following:

"Welcome to it buddy... The place where there is nothing to hold onto but Him. No job, no home, no person that you can latch onto to be reminded of who you are. And it's terrifying. It feels like free falling, but having no idea what is going to catch you... or when. My best advice to you, Let Go. Lean into it friend. You've taken the steps. Life is crazy. Now you have to trust Him in the fall. When your heart skips and you can't catch your breath, breathe Him in. He is there with you. Holding you. And anything else that your hands could grab would make you feel safe but would never be what you really need. I don't think most people ever get here. Don't miss this moment that you're in. It will end. I know that it's so hard when what you're grabbing onto you can't see. But in that He's teaching you to see Him in everything. I love you."

And really, although this entry begins telling you where I'm at and how I'm feeling, it's really just a gateway for me to tell you about her. Brittany Girle.  The words she sent me were perfect, as always.

I'm pretty sure she's my hero. I'm pretty sure anyone that has ever met her feels that way about her.

She has had the biggest impact on me spiritually of anyone I've ever met. I've never seen someone fight so fiercely to live their life for God. She is also an idiot...in the very best way! She's the most entertaining and ridiculous person I know. She is up for any and every adventure. She makes me laugh like no other.

We have walked (sometimes carried, pushed, pulled, dragged) through the darkest moments of our lives together. We have been on our faces in prayer for each other. We have sometimes yelled and screamed at one another. We have walked through death and heartache. Lots of heartache.

She calls me out when I need to be called out. Always in love. In fact, she called me out about something today.

She has extended me more grace than any person deserves.

She is the girl that every boy falls in love with, and every person wants to be her friend.

She is kind, and generous, and never judgmental.

We sort of started our friendship with me being her teacher, and now, she is mine.

In the midst of the unknown, I am so grateful for this friend who knows me. I am so grateful that we are walking through life together.

I am so grateful to love and be loved by her.

Dreaming without goals...

I was texting back and forth with a friend last night, and I wrote the following words:

"I may have dreams, but I don't have goals."  

I hit send before I even let that concept fully wash over me.  I had never uttered that exact sentence before.  My fingers typed something that must have been living in the recesses of my brain.  

Those words stopped me in my tracks for a minute.  So much so, that I copied and pasted them into the notes section of my phone.  I didn't want to forget this tiny phrase, and knew that I would want to process it more later.

So this rambling, is me processing these words, with you. 

Truthfully, this sentence doesn't make much sense to me.  I'm a doer.  If I want to accomplish something, I set out immediately to get it done.  It seems ridiculous to me to have a dream, with no plans or goals to be able to accomplish it.  

And seemingly, that's exactly where God has me.  Telling me to dream as big as I can imagine, and then telling me to sit back, and do nothing.  But God, this is me...you know me.  You know that I can't just sit back.  I have some ideas of how we can accomplish these dreams.  Don't you want to hear my ideas?  Don't you want me to go ahead and get started?!  

Nope.  In this season, God has repeatedly told me that He doesn't need my help.  He wants to take care of me.  He has told me that I don't need to seek out answers, but that He will bring them to me.

This is just so foreign to me.  But, He's doing just that.  On almost a daily basis I utter the following words to friends..."can I just tell you what crazy thing God did today?!"  

He keeps showing up.  In crazy ways.  With crazy blessings.  Some of the blessings aren't things that I would have chosen for myself.  And that is precisely why He is in charge, and not me. Because He knows better.  He knows the full picture, where I only have a limited view.  

And hear me when I say, I have BIG DREAMS.  There are some possibilities that quicken my heart. God has allowed me to take the teeniest tiniest steps towards one of these dreams.  But truthfully, I would have already made great leaps if it was up to me.  But its not.  So I wait in obedient anticipation until He tells me to move again.  

At the beginning of this journey I wrote:

"I feel like he's written my story, and everyday, he lets me flip a page.  I don't get to read ahead.  I don't get to skip pages.  And more than anything, I'm trying not to skim the content."

I feel like my story is getting gooooooood!  So good that I would pay full price on my kindle for it, and not wait until it became available online for free from my public library!