Humbled...

Today was a wake up call.

Before I start, please hear my heart.  I don't think I'm too good for any job, and I don't look down on others based on their employment roles.

Today, I was a warehouse worker, and I will be for the next several weeks.  I hauled really heavy boxes.  I learned how to use a pallet jack so that I could load and move hundreds of thousands of pounds of supplies.  I counted and recorded thousands of items that were donated.

For 10 years, I built houses.  I hauled sheet-rock and bags of concrete.  I was strong.  Really strong.

Now, four years removed from house building, I'm not so strong anymore.  My wrists, arms, and shoulders hurt tonight.  I sort of dread knowing that I need to go back and do it all again tomorrow. And the next day, and the next.  I'm a 40 year old women with fibromyalgia...this isn't exactly my dream job!

We are in the process of clearing out the OCC warehouse to make room to process thousands upon thousands of shoeboxes towards the end of November.  One of the areas that I needed to move today was Team Distributions.  This was my area.  For the last 4 years I took those stored supplies to beautiful countries around the world.  Today, I used a pallet jack to move these items so they could be put on a trailer.

Hmmm....that was a bit humbling.  And again, not because I think I'm too good to do this, but because it was God taking me to the baseline (again).

I knew I would have to battle some stray thoughts as I walked into the building this morning.  I knew that I would have to fight some of the lies that our job defines who we are.  I knew that there were certain people I would probably feel sheepish in front of as I stood there sweating in my filth covered jeans.

One of the main things I've wanted out of this whole journey is to learn who I am in Christ.  Today was a step in knowing.  Stripped again of all qualifiers.  Just simply living and serving...no matter what the task is.  I hope that I will like the zeroed out/stripped version of me.  I hope that in the midst of doing hard tasks that I don't really enjoy, that an unexpected joy will be revealed.

On an unrelated note, I just signed the closing papers on my house...by Wednesday, I will no longer be a homeowner.  Nothing in my life is recognizable, and I love and hate it.  I love being a homeowner more than most.  I LOVE LOVE LOVE having a home and making it my own.  Giving it and my belongings up is the biggest sacrifice I've ever made.  But God told me to, so I did.

And He told me it was ok to leave my job, so I did.  And He told me to move to DC for six weeks, so I did.  And He told me to take a job in a warehouse, so I did.

Although some of things He's asked me to do have been painful, I'm just glad he's speaking to me!!
How wonderful to see the path He is mapping out for me...even though some of it has been very painful, and little of it has made sense to me.

I'm all in, God.  All in.

Failing...

I'm failing...at unemployment.

I've known for months that I would be working in the Operation Christmas Child processing center in Boone from November 19th-December 20th.

On Thursday, I was asked if I would be willing to start a bit early.  As in that coming Monday.  Now, as in tomorrow.

I didn't hesitate to say yes.  During this whole process, God keeps impressing on my heart that He does not want me to pursue options, but that He will bring opportunities to me.  And even in the opportunities, He has given me the freedom to say yes or no.

I've been approached about several full time jobs, and I've closed those doors.

But the last two opportunities from Samaritan's Purse (Pastor Saeed Prayer Vigil and now working with OCC again) were easy yeses.  I felt a peace about each of these things.  I knew that God clearly opened these doors, and I freely walked through them.

I started laughing as soon as I told them I was willing to start early.  I fretted last week about the guilt I felt for getting too much rest.  Ha!  God knew what was next.  He knew that instead of having another 3 weeks of down time, that I would be quickly entering the next phase of my journey.

Watching the way that God keeps weaving the details of my life has been so beautiful.  He has been so big, so real, and so present.

Heading back to work tomorrow means seeing my closest friends everyday.  It means having an extra 3 weeks of income for a very unknown future.  It means working in a different aspect of a ministry that I have loved dearly for the last four years.  I'm excited to develop an even deeper love, through this different perspective.

By years end, I should have been jobless for four months...and instead, it will have been a total of four weeks.  Oh geez, God is hilarious!

This next little while may not bring the rest I've gotten the last few weeks, but I'm sure that God will use it to help accomplish the other three things that I'm actively pursuing...rest, LOVE, LAUGHTER, and PURPOSE.

Well, I need to start getting ready for bed...because I have to set my alarm clock for the first time in several weeks.  :/  I am terribly bad at mornings.

These past months have been such an incredible journey in my faith and relationship with Christ. Can't wait to see what is next.  I'm betting it will make me laugh as well.

Guilt...

I've been fighting an invisible battle these past few weeks.

Guilt.  

Ugh.  

What a sneaky and conniving emotion, especially when it's not warranted.   

I wanted to see what the actual definition for guilt is...and oh man, this is right on the nose.

"GUILT:  Feelings of culpability especially for imagined offenses or from a sense of inadequacy."  

Yep Merriam-Webster, you NAILED it.  

Much like Gwyneth and Chris, I made a conscious uncoupling...with employment.  After 15 years of leading teams on international mission trips, I was just tired.  In every way.  And honestly, I asked God how much longer I had to do it.  And at that moment, He released me.  (But oh how I miss my ministry family...both at Casas por Cristo and Operation Christmas Child.)  

More than being tired emotionally or spiritually, I was tired physically.  Many of you know that I have battled with sleep issues for the past 15+ years.  But only my nearest and dearest know just how devastatingly bad it has been.  And when I say bad, I mean terrible.  There were many (too many to count) nights that I didn't sleep at all.  Not a wink.  There was one stretch of time that I didn't sleep (AT ALL) for almost seven days.  Mind you, that on these nights, I had taken and done everything I knew to do, with no success.  Ambien, valerian root, benadryl...usually a combination of these, often times, all of these.  The morning would come, and not only hadn't I slept, but then I felt like a drugged zombie.  

I was sleepless in almost every country I ever visited.  I would lay awake each night and cry.  I was SO angry with the Lord.  SO VERY ANGRY.  I would cry out loud and beg Him to knock me out.  And the more the clock moved along, the more discouraged I would become.  Knowing that the next morning I needed to be sharp as a tack to lead leaders, conquer logistics, and love on children, or build a house.  And although I was so frustrated with God for not just snapping His fingers and answering my prayers, I was grateful that He ALWAYS gave me what I needed to make it through the day.  

So where does the guilt come in?  I've been "unemployed" for 3 whole weeks now.  During this time, I have not accomplished much of anything.  I've spent a portion of every day with people I love.  I've made time for dinners, and walks, and frivolity.  Also during this time, I have slept a lot.  

I slept so late one day this week that its almost too embarrassing to say.  Let's just say that it was 15 minutes shy of noon.  

Now knowing my back story, I assume anyone reading this would say "Oh my gosh, this is SO great...good for you!"  And that's what I would say if I were reading this about someone else!

But somehow, Satan has tried to worm his way in...oh so subtly and sneakily.  It wasn't until yesterday morning that I realized that I was feeling guilty.  I felt guilty that all of my friends were getting up and going to work.  I felt guilty that I was sleeping instead of being a productive member of society.  I felt guilty that I had quit my job, and was sleeping the day away.

And then, God reminded me of the original intention He planned for this unknown season of my life.  

REST.  

Oh yea.  That's right.  It's even written as the headline for this blog...

Taking a year to live fully and completely in God's goodness and provision.  Along the way, I hope to find REST, love, laughter, and purpose.  

Rest is the thing that I've been dreaming of for so long.  And now that I'm getting it, you can bet that I will fiercely fight against this guilt that is trying to creep in.  No sir, you're not invited to the party.  As I learned, you're an imagined offense that wants me to feel a sense of inadequacy.  Nope.  

"When you lie down, you will not be afraid; when you lie down, your sleep will be sweet."  

-Proverbs 3:24

Baseline...

Months ago when I knew I would be taking a leap of faith into the unknown, I felt like the Lord was telling me that He wanted me to know who I am in Him.  Not in my job.  Not in my relationships. Not in my appearance.  Not in my belongings.

Now, exactly two weeks removed from having a job, and several months removed from having a beautiful home, and really cool things, I find myself at the baseline.  The cash register has been balanced.  The tare is set at zero.  

I find myself stripped down of all of my qualifiers.  There is now nothing that defines who I am except for who I really am.  I guess I could let the term "unemployed" sneakily creep in and try to tell me who I am, or how others view me.  But, I don't accept that.  That's not who I am, it's simply something that I've chosen, with God's permission (and blessing) that I am sinking into...for now. 

I was at a party last week.  The weather was perfect.  A duo was set up on the back porch with their instruments.  It was a surprise for the birthday boy.  They were mesmerizing.  And not just because it was the most beautiful night in dreamy North Carolina.  Although, that never hurts!  They were just good.  Really good.  They have the kind of voices that would challenge you to not feel something.  I think it would be impossible.  

My friend, Matt, was standing next to me, and he said "Do you think they have any idea just how good they really are?!"  My response was "There's no way they could know, unless someone tells them."  

You don't know you're pretty unless someone tells you.

You don't know you're smart until someone makes mention of it. 

You didn't know you were fat until someone told you.

You didn't know you had a big nose until someone pointed it out.

As kids, we were blissfully unaware of what made us special...or what made us weirdos.  We didn't know a lot of things about ourselves, until someone else decided to share their perspective.  And who's to say that their perspective was correct?

I don't have many (if any) earthly, marketable talents.  But one thing that I've heard consistently is that I'm an encourager.  I believe in telling people when they look pretty, or they smell nice.  I believe in telling people the things about them that I find lovely.  And good.  And kind.  I'm sure I've made many a person feel uncomfortable with my unfiltered words of praise.  But, I will never say anything that I don't mean.  I don't and won't give false compliments.  

I know that at times, I've also hurt people I love with my big 'ol mouth.  I know I've said things that were unkind, uncensored, and mean.  Some of the things might have been true statements, but often the things I zeroed in on were simply from my perspective.  And again, who is to say that my perspective is right?  Maybe my judgment on a given day was off, because my attitude sucked.  Or because I was feeling bad about myself.  Or someone had said something to me that hurt me, and propelled me forward to hurt someone else.  Or sometimes I'm just a jerk.  

What others say about us matters.  We're fooling ourselves to say it doesn't.  It's nice to be praised.  And truthfully, we should all take more time to build each other up.

But, what we get from others shouldn't be our primary source of identity.  It simply should be the overflow.  The gravy on top.  It shouldn't speak louder than what God has already told us.  

What if we all decided to zero out today?  To let our baseline be the fact that God tells us that we are fearfully and wonderfully made?  That in Him, we are a new creation, and that we are chosen, because He first loved us?

What if we let him slough off all of the layers of lies, and hurts, and crap that we have bought into for years, and truly believed the things that He has written?

Because really, if we believe in and buy into the notion that, "as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved," wouldn't we more naturally do the following "...clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience." 

I believe that when we feel loved, we are able to be more loving.  

Empty me, oh God, and fill me back up each day with your truth.