Guilt.
Ugh.
What a sneaky and conniving emotion, especially when it's not warranted.
I wanted to see what the actual definition for guilt is...and oh man, this is right on the nose.
"GUILT: Feelings of culpability especially for imagined offenses or from a sense of inadequacy."
Yep Merriam-Webster, you NAILED it.
Much like Gwyneth and Chris, I made a conscious uncoupling...with employment. After 15 years of leading teams on international mission trips, I was just tired. In every way. And honestly, I asked God how much longer I had to do it. And at that moment, He released me. (But oh how I miss my ministry family...both at Casas por Cristo and Operation Christmas Child.)
More than being tired emotionally or spiritually, I was tired physically. Many of you know that I have battled with sleep issues for the past 15+ years. But only my nearest and dearest know just how devastatingly bad it has been. And when I say bad, I mean terrible. There were many (too many to count) nights that I didn't sleep at all. Not a wink. There was one stretch of time that I didn't sleep (AT ALL) for almost seven days. Mind you, that on these nights, I had taken and done everything I knew to do, with no success. Ambien, valerian root, benadryl...usually a combination of these, often times, all of these. The morning would come, and not only hadn't I slept, but then I felt like a drugged zombie.
I was sleepless in almost every country I ever visited. I would lay awake each night and cry. I was SO angry with the Lord. SO VERY ANGRY. I would cry out loud and beg Him to knock me out. And the more the clock moved along, the more discouraged I would become. Knowing that the next morning I needed to be sharp as a tack to lead leaders, conquer logistics, and love on children, or build a house. And although I was so frustrated with God for not just snapping His fingers and answering my prayers, I was grateful that He ALWAYS gave me what I needed to make it through the day.
So where does the guilt come in? I've been "unemployed" for 3 whole weeks now. During this time, I have not accomplished much of anything. I've spent a portion of every day with people I love. I've made time for dinners, and walks, and frivolity. Also during this time, I have slept a lot.
I slept so late one day this week that its almost too embarrassing to say. Let's just say that it was 15 minutes shy of noon.
Now knowing my back story, I assume anyone reading this would say "Oh my gosh, this is SO great...good for you!" And that's what I would say if I were reading this about someone else!
But somehow, Satan has tried to worm his way in...oh so subtly and sneakily. It wasn't until yesterday morning that I realized that I was feeling guilty. I felt guilty that all of my friends were getting up and going to work. I felt guilty that I was sleeping instead of being a productive member of society. I felt guilty that I had quit my job, and was sleeping the day away.
And then, God reminded me of the original intention He planned for this unknown season of my life.
REST.
Oh yea. That's right. It's even written as the headline for this blog...
Taking a year to live fully and completely in God's goodness and provision. Along the way, I hope to find REST, love, laughter, and purpose.
Rest is the thing that I've been dreaming of for so long. And now that I'm getting it, you can bet that I will fiercely fight against this guilt that is trying to creep in. No sir, you're not invited to the party. As I learned, you're an imagined offense that wants me to feel a sense of inadequacy. Nope.
"When you lie down, you will not be afraid; when you lie down, your sleep will be sweet."
-Proverbs 3:24
No comments:
Post a Comment