back to sabbatical...

So...I interviewed for a job last week.  God told me to walk through the doors, and I did.  

It's a job that I would have really enjoyed doing.  But, it would have meant ending my sabbatical time.  Which honestly, I welcomed.  

This time, is not my favorite.  Oh, there are some things about it that I love.  I've been sleeping like a champ.  I've been able to get in the kitchen and experiment.  I was able to take off and see my friends on a whim.  I feel rested.  Which, given my history, seems miraculous to me.  

Although my body is rested, I feel restless.  Very restless.  

I've mentioned this before, but I am continually feeling stripped.  I was talking with a friend last night, and he suggested that I start creating and selling things.  That he likes the things that I've made in the past.  I told him I had thought about that, but that I no longer own anything that would allow me to do these projects.  And, I no longer have the space to complete them either. 

I feel as if God has taken all of the distractions out of my life.  If I still had a home, I would find projects to constantly keep my busy.  Unfortunately for my roommate, she now has to suffer through me riffling through and straightening her kitchen cabinets.  Sorry, Ashley, I have a problem!

The thought of taking the job was VERY attractive to me.  I went into the interview as a fact finding mission.  I had come to the conclusion that if they offered it, I was going to take it.  

I was on my way to a followup meeting, and I prayed out loud that God would show me his VERY BEST for me.  This has been such a trust journey, and I didn't want fear of the unknown to get the best of me now.  

By that night, God clearly impressed on my heart that this would have been a good opportunity, but not the very best of what He has in store for me.  I'd like to add, that I called in a prayer army to pray clarity over me.  I am so grateful that I have these people in my life.  

I'll never know if they were going to offer me the job, as I withdrew my application.  

That was hard.  I had already started to mentally prepare for the next phase.  The thought of jumping into a new project, and the challenge of figuring out new tasks was exciting to me.  

Stripped.  Again.

Ok, God.  I'm listening.  You've got my undivided attention.  There's nothing left to distract me.

I'm ready to know what your very best is for me.  But, I'm trying not to miss the lessons in the meantime.  

sabbatical...?

I said something the other day about sinking into my sabbatical.

The following conversation with my smartypants friend, Eric, ensued:

          Eric:  "Real sabbatical or fake sabbatical?"

          Me:  "Probably fake."

          Eric:  "I knew it."

Haha.  He is absolutely correct!  Starting tomorrow, I will be painting rooms (a lot of rooms) in my friend's new house.  I don't know how long this will take, and it doesn't really matter.  I just plan on throwing on my paint splattered pants, putting Gavin DeGraw on constant loop, and watching the paint transform this house into a home for my dear friends.

(I asked Chris to take a picture so I could add it to this post.  This is what I ended up with.  Seems about right.)

I know that I am driving some of you crazy (because you have told me!) that I keep taking jobs.  But hear me when I say, it feels right.  I am constantly listening to what the Lord is trying to tell me.  I am paying attention.  I am letting Him lead every big and small decision in my life.

And if I am really trying to boil down what I'm learning in all of this, it's not that I'm taking a sabbatical (break) from hard work, or "the man", or from a paycheck.  But I guess I'm taking a sabbatical from me and my normal ways.  Taking a break from being in charge, and letting God fully lead me.  And let me tell you, I am a stubborn and driven son-of-a-gun.  This is contrary to everything I know.  But, He is teaching me how good He is, and how very much He loves me.  

I love painting. (I'm sure I won't be repeating this sentence after a few days.)  Not really the physical act of it, but for the immediate results.  Within seconds, there is a visible transformation. Every time I pop the lid on a can of paint, my heart starts racing.  I can't wait to see the first smear on the wall. And before I know it, everything around me looks different.  

I feel like God is painting me right now.  He's not as fast of a painter as I am though!  :)  He's taking His time.  He's taped off the edges, and has started cutting in.  I can see a difference, but not as much progress as I'd like.  I'm ready for  Him to get the roller out, and really get things going.  But, He's taking His time, doing things right.  I don't like that.  I'm not a good wait(er).  But, He knows best.  I believe that.  

Here's to the next adventure.  I'm now a painter. #WhoCaresSoWhat 

All will be well...

I'm about to start the part of my journey that I thought I would begin on August 15th.

For the first time since I resigned, I don't know what is next.  And although that is scary, that is exactly what this year is about.  Trusting.

I had a dream, and it looked like it was going to come to fruition in January.  It involved land and joy and celebrations.  But, God closed that door.  For the most part, I'm peaceful about it.  But, there is a small part of me that mourns the loss of what could have been.

This made me think about the phrase "It is well..."  This has sort of been my mantra for the last 4-5 years.  Sometimes I've said it in hopes that I would believe it.  You know, fake it 'til you make it. Other times, it has absolutely been well with my soul.

Right now though, even if all isn't completely well, I know that all WILL be well.

I was praying this morning, and realized that I apologized to God for questioning things.  And immediately, I heard Him say "You idiot, you can always ask me questions.  You can always come to me and ask me the great and unsearchable things you do not know."  (This might be a loose paraphrase of what I heard God say to me!)  :)

Oh how good He is to me.  He is so patient with my ridiculous self.

I've got this song on repeat this morning.  It does a much better job of explaining my heart right now, than I ever could.

ALL WILL BE WELL

Gabe Dixon Band

The new day dawns
And I am practicing my purpose once again
It is fresh and it is fruitful if I win but if I lose
Oooooo I don't know
I will be tired but I will turn and I will go
Only guessing til I get there then I'll know
Oh oh oh I will know

All the children walking home past the factories
Could see the light that's shining in my window as I write this song to you
All the cars running fast along the interstate
Can feel the love that radiates
Illuminating what I know is true
All will be well
Even after all the promises you've broken to yourself
All will be well
You can ask me how but only time will tell

The winter's cold
But the snow still lightly settles on the trees
And a mess is still a moment I can seize until I know
That all will be well
Even though sometimes this is hard to tell
And the fight is just as frustrating as hell
All will be well

All the children walking home past the factories
Could see the light that's shining in my window as I write this song to you
All the cars running fast along the interstate
Can feel the love that radiates
Illuminating what I know is true
All will be well
Even after all the promises you've broken to yourself
All will be well
You can ask me how but only time will tell

Keep it up and don't give up
And chase your dreams and you will find
All in time

All the children walking home past the factories
Could see the light that's shining in my window as I write this song to you
All the cars running fast along the interstate
Can feel the love that radiates
Illuminating what I know is true
All will be well
Even after all the promises you've broken to yourself
All will be well
You can ask me how but only time will tell

All will be well
Even after all the promises you've broken to yourself
All will be well
You can ask me how but only time will tell

You can ask me how but only time will tell

Living in want...

It's been a few weeks since I've written anything.  I just didn't feel like writing. I don't feel like writing today.  But, as with each time, God has nudged me, so I'm being obedient.  

I mentioned before that I was working in the OCC warehouse.  I did that for the past 4 weeks.  It was hard.  Really hard.  My body ached every single night.  I had bruises from head to toe.  And funny enough, I learned the hard way that I have an allergy to cardboard.  After putting together several hundred cardboard boxes one day, my eyes swelled shut, and my throat closed shut.  So, that was fun!  I've learned that I have to keep my contact with cardboard to a minimum, which is virtually impossible in a warehouse.  Most days, it's not too bad, and it just leaves me a little bit itchy.

Last week we started our training for the upcoming processing season (which starts today).  I'm the Quality Control Manager (which I think is hilarious!) for the second shift.  I'll be working from 2:30-11:30 pm.  This is 6 days a week, and will go until December 20th.  And wouldn't you know, my area is in charge of cardboard collection and removal.  Haha! 

Although I'll miss out on every social activity for the next month, I am SO grateful that I can sleep in. In the midst of working, God has still figured out a way to give me rest. He's pretty great like that.  

I've had to process some things this week, and battle a little bit of guilt.  Many of the people I'll be working second shift with are working other jobs.  They have families they are supporting, and need this extra, seasonal income to make ends meet.  They are working all day, and then coming in to work the night shift.  They will have very little contact with their families for 4 weeks.

I've felt a little bit silly and shallow when I think about the fact that I don't need this job.  Now, it's not that I'm rolling in dough.  It's just that every decision that I've made in the last 10 months was to make sure that I could afford to live, potentially jobless, for the next year.  And truthfully, that has come with many sacrifices on my end. I sold all of my belongings.  I sold my home.  I've chosen to move into a room, instead of owning or renting.  I don't have any debt, and my car is paid off.  

I've been churning all of this around in my head.  And what I've decided is that guilt gets you nowhere.  Our circumstances are our own, and aren't really comparable to others.  And if I'm letting you into the depths of my heart, I would much prefer that I needed this job, because it would mean that I had a family that is counting on me.  I would trade the financial freedom of a single person for a family of my own in a heartbeat.  I'd love to be in debt up to my ears because my husband and I are in the process of adopting.  I'd love to take an extra job to pay for my kids' braces.  I'd love to fight with my spouse about the stress of not having enough, and then working together to come up with a solution.  

Phew.  That was hard to write.  I'm ugly crying right now.  

Life is hard.  We always want what others have.  But, 'ol Paul was on to something:  

"I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength."

I may have plenty, but I am still living in want. Oh Father, please help me to be content.

Her...

I've been waiting for this moment. I knew it would eventually happen. I wasn't sure when, but I knew it would be soon.

It was this morning.

I sent this text to my friend, Brittany.

"I knew it would happen eventually, and today is the day...that the weight of all the changes in my life feel suffocatingly heavy. So I'm just sitting on the back steps and crying, and praying and processing. Oh how I wish you were sitting next to me right now."

I sold everything I own. I moved out of my house. It sat empty for three months. I moved in with a most gracious friend. I quit my job. I moved to DC two days later for six weeks. I came back to North Carolina. I'm working for the next two months. I closed on my house. Some of my relationships have lessened, and some have deepened. There are future dreams and possibilities swirling. There is just a a lot going on.

And although I'm all in, and I trust God, this morning, I was sad. And I was missing the familiar. And more than anything, I missed waking up in a bed I own, and sitting outside on my porch. And I don't feel bad about that. I think it's ok to mourn the loss of things and places and memories.

But in the midst of that moment, my champ of a friend sent me the following:

"Welcome to it buddy... The place where there is nothing to hold onto but Him. No job, no home, no person that you can latch onto to be reminded of who you are. And it's terrifying. It feels like free falling, but having no idea what is going to catch you... or when. My best advice to you, Let Go. Lean into it friend. You've taken the steps. Life is crazy. Now you have to trust Him in the fall. When your heart skips and you can't catch your breath, breathe Him in. He is there with you. Holding you. And anything else that your hands could grab would make you feel safe but would never be what you really need. I don't think most people ever get here. Don't miss this moment that you're in. It will end. I know that it's so hard when what you're grabbing onto you can't see. But in that He's teaching you to see Him in everything. I love you."

And really, although this entry begins telling you where I'm at and how I'm feeling, it's really just a gateway for me to tell you about her. Brittany Girle.  The words she sent me were perfect, as always.

I'm pretty sure she's my hero. I'm pretty sure anyone that has ever met her feels that way about her.

She has had the biggest impact on me spiritually of anyone I've ever met. I've never seen someone fight so fiercely to live their life for God. She is also an idiot...in the very best way! She's the most entertaining and ridiculous person I know. She is up for any and every adventure. She makes me laugh like no other.

We have walked (sometimes carried, pushed, pulled, dragged) through the darkest moments of our lives together. We have been on our faces in prayer for each other. We have sometimes yelled and screamed at one another. We have walked through death and heartache. Lots of heartache.

She calls me out when I need to be called out. Always in love. In fact, she called me out about something today.

She has extended me more grace than any person deserves.

She is the girl that every boy falls in love with, and every person wants to be her friend.

She is kind, and generous, and never judgmental.

We sort of started our friendship with me being her teacher, and now, she is mine.

In the midst of the unknown, I am so grateful for this friend who knows me. I am so grateful that we are walking through life together.

I am so grateful to love and be loved by her.

Dreaming without goals...

I was texting back and forth with a friend last night, and I wrote the following words:

"I may have dreams, but I don't have goals."  

I hit send before I even let that concept fully wash over me.  I had never uttered that exact sentence before.  My fingers typed something that must have been living in the recesses of my brain.  

Those words stopped me in my tracks for a minute.  So much so, that I copied and pasted them into the notes section of my phone.  I didn't want to forget this tiny phrase, and knew that I would want to process it more later.

So this rambling, is me processing these words, with you. 

Truthfully, this sentence doesn't make much sense to me.  I'm a doer.  If I want to accomplish something, I set out immediately to get it done.  It seems ridiculous to me to have a dream, with no plans or goals to be able to accomplish it.  

And seemingly, that's exactly where God has me.  Telling me to dream as big as I can imagine, and then telling me to sit back, and do nothing.  But God, this is me...you know me.  You know that I can't just sit back.  I have some ideas of how we can accomplish these dreams.  Don't you want to hear my ideas?  Don't you want me to go ahead and get started?!  

Nope.  In this season, God has repeatedly told me that He doesn't need my help.  He wants to take care of me.  He has told me that I don't need to seek out answers, but that He will bring them to me.

This is just so foreign to me.  But, He's doing just that.  On almost a daily basis I utter the following words to friends..."can I just tell you what crazy thing God did today?!"  

He keeps showing up.  In crazy ways.  With crazy blessings.  Some of the blessings aren't things that I would have chosen for myself.  And that is precisely why He is in charge, and not me. Because He knows better.  He knows the full picture, where I only have a limited view.  

And hear me when I say, I have BIG DREAMS.  There are some possibilities that quicken my heart. God has allowed me to take the teeniest tiniest steps towards one of these dreams.  But truthfully, I would have already made great leaps if it was up to me.  But its not.  So I wait in obedient anticipation until He tells me to move again.  

At the beginning of this journey I wrote:

"I feel like he's written my story, and everyday, he lets me flip a page.  I don't get to read ahead.  I don't get to skip pages.  And more than anything, I'm trying not to skim the content."

I feel like my story is getting gooooooood!  So good that I would pay full price on my kindle for it, and not wait until it became available online for free from my public library!  

Humbled...

Today was a wake up call.

Before I start, please hear my heart.  I don't think I'm too good for any job, and I don't look down on others based on their employment roles.

Today, I was a warehouse worker, and I will be for the next several weeks.  I hauled really heavy boxes.  I learned how to use a pallet jack so that I could load and move hundreds of thousands of pounds of supplies.  I counted and recorded thousands of items that were donated.

For 10 years, I built houses.  I hauled sheet-rock and bags of concrete.  I was strong.  Really strong.

Now, four years removed from house building, I'm not so strong anymore.  My wrists, arms, and shoulders hurt tonight.  I sort of dread knowing that I need to go back and do it all again tomorrow. And the next day, and the next.  I'm a 40 year old women with fibromyalgia...this isn't exactly my dream job!

We are in the process of clearing out the OCC warehouse to make room to process thousands upon thousands of shoeboxes towards the end of November.  One of the areas that I needed to move today was Team Distributions.  This was my area.  For the last 4 years I took those stored supplies to beautiful countries around the world.  Today, I used a pallet jack to move these items so they could be put on a trailer.

Hmmm....that was a bit humbling.  And again, not because I think I'm too good to do this, but because it was God taking me to the baseline (again).

I knew I would have to battle some stray thoughts as I walked into the building this morning.  I knew that I would have to fight some of the lies that our job defines who we are.  I knew that there were certain people I would probably feel sheepish in front of as I stood there sweating in my filth covered jeans.

One of the main things I've wanted out of this whole journey is to learn who I am in Christ.  Today was a step in knowing.  Stripped again of all qualifiers.  Just simply living and serving...no matter what the task is.  I hope that I will like the zeroed out/stripped version of me.  I hope that in the midst of doing hard tasks that I don't really enjoy, that an unexpected joy will be revealed.

On an unrelated note, I just signed the closing papers on my house...by Wednesday, I will no longer be a homeowner.  Nothing in my life is recognizable, and I love and hate it.  I love being a homeowner more than most.  I LOVE LOVE LOVE having a home and making it my own.  Giving it and my belongings up is the biggest sacrifice I've ever made.  But God told me to, so I did.

And He told me it was ok to leave my job, so I did.  And He told me to move to DC for six weeks, so I did.  And He told me to take a job in a warehouse, so I did.

Although some of things He's asked me to do have been painful, I'm just glad he's speaking to me!!
How wonderful to see the path He is mapping out for me...even though some of it has been very painful, and little of it has made sense to me.

I'm all in, God.  All in.