Humbled...

Today was a wake up call.

Before I start, please hear my heart.  I don't think I'm too good for any job, and I don't look down on others based on their employment roles.

Today, I was a warehouse worker, and I will be for the next several weeks.  I hauled really heavy boxes.  I learned how to use a pallet jack so that I could load and move hundreds of thousands of pounds of supplies.  I counted and recorded thousands of items that were donated.

For 10 years, I built houses.  I hauled sheet-rock and bags of concrete.  I was strong.  Really strong.

Now, four years removed from house building, I'm not so strong anymore.  My wrists, arms, and shoulders hurt tonight.  I sort of dread knowing that I need to go back and do it all again tomorrow. And the next day, and the next.  I'm a 40 year old women with fibromyalgia...this isn't exactly my dream job!

We are in the process of clearing out the OCC warehouse to make room to process thousands upon thousands of shoeboxes towards the end of November.  One of the areas that I needed to move today was Team Distributions.  This was my area.  For the last 4 years I took those stored supplies to beautiful countries around the world.  Today, I used a pallet jack to move these items so they could be put on a trailer.

Hmmm....that was a bit humbling.  And again, not because I think I'm too good to do this, but because it was God taking me to the baseline (again).

I knew I would have to battle some stray thoughts as I walked into the building this morning.  I knew that I would have to fight some of the lies that our job defines who we are.  I knew that there were certain people I would probably feel sheepish in front of as I stood there sweating in my filth covered jeans.

One of the main things I've wanted out of this whole journey is to learn who I am in Christ.  Today was a step in knowing.  Stripped again of all qualifiers.  Just simply living and serving...no matter what the task is.  I hope that I will like the zeroed out/stripped version of me.  I hope that in the midst of doing hard tasks that I don't really enjoy, that an unexpected joy will be revealed.

On an unrelated note, I just signed the closing papers on my house...by Wednesday, I will no longer be a homeowner.  Nothing in my life is recognizable, and I love and hate it.  I love being a homeowner more than most.  I LOVE LOVE LOVE having a home and making it my own.  Giving it and my belongings up is the biggest sacrifice I've ever made.  But God told me to, so I did.

And He told me it was ok to leave my job, so I did.  And He told me to move to DC for six weeks, so I did.  And He told me to take a job in a warehouse, so I did.

Although some of things He's asked me to do have been painful, I'm just glad he's speaking to me!!
How wonderful to see the path He is mapping out for me...even though some of it has been very painful, and little of it has made sense to me.

I'm all in, God.  All in.

Failing...

I'm failing...at unemployment.

I've known for months that I would be working in the Operation Christmas Child processing center in Boone from November 19th-December 20th.

On Thursday, I was asked if I would be willing to start a bit early.  As in that coming Monday.  Now, as in tomorrow.

I didn't hesitate to say yes.  During this whole process, God keeps impressing on my heart that He does not want me to pursue options, but that He will bring opportunities to me.  And even in the opportunities, He has given me the freedom to say yes or no.

I've been approached about several full time jobs, and I've closed those doors.

But the last two opportunities from Samaritan's Purse (Pastor Saeed Prayer Vigil and now working with OCC again) were easy yeses.  I felt a peace about each of these things.  I knew that God clearly opened these doors, and I freely walked through them.

I started laughing as soon as I told them I was willing to start early.  I fretted last week about the guilt I felt for getting too much rest.  Ha!  God knew what was next.  He knew that instead of having another 3 weeks of down time, that I would be quickly entering the next phase of my journey.

Watching the way that God keeps weaving the details of my life has been so beautiful.  He has been so big, so real, and so present.

Heading back to work tomorrow means seeing my closest friends everyday.  It means having an extra 3 weeks of income for a very unknown future.  It means working in a different aspect of a ministry that I have loved dearly for the last four years.  I'm excited to develop an even deeper love, through this different perspective.

By years end, I should have been jobless for four months...and instead, it will have been a total of four weeks.  Oh geez, God is hilarious!

This next little while may not bring the rest I've gotten the last few weeks, but I'm sure that God will use it to help accomplish the other three things that I'm actively pursuing...rest, LOVE, LAUGHTER, and PURPOSE.

Well, I need to start getting ready for bed...because I have to set my alarm clock for the first time in several weeks.  :/  I am terribly bad at mornings.

These past months have been such an incredible journey in my faith and relationship with Christ. Can't wait to see what is next.  I'm betting it will make me laugh as well.

Guilt...

I've been fighting an invisible battle these past few weeks.

Guilt.  

Ugh.  

What a sneaky and conniving emotion, especially when it's not warranted.   

I wanted to see what the actual definition for guilt is...and oh man, this is right on the nose.

"GUILT:  Feelings of culpability especially for imagined offenses or from a sense of inadequacy."  

Yep Merriam-Webster, you NAILED it.  

Much like Gwyneth and Chris, I made a conscious uncoupling...with employment.  After 15 years of leading teams on international mission trips, I was just tired.  In every way.  And honestly, I asked God how much longer I had to do it.  And at that moment, He released me.  (But oh how I miss my ministry family...both at Casas por Cristo and Operation Christmas Child.)  

More than being tired emotionally or spiritually, I was tired physically.  Many of you know that I have battled with sleep issues for the past 15+ years.  But only my nearest and dearest know just how devastatingly bad it has been.  And when I say bad, I mean terrible.  There were many (too many to count) nights that I didn't sleep at all.  Not a wink.  There was one stretch of time that I didn't sleep (AT ALL) for almost seven days.  Mind you, that on these nights, I had taken and done everything I knew to do, with no success.  Ambien, valerian root, benadryl...usually a combination of these, often times, all of these.  The morning would come, and not only hadn't I slept, but then I felt like a drugged zombie.  

I was sleepless in almost every country I ever visited.  I would lay awake each night and cry.  I was SO angry with the Lord.  SO VERY ANGRY.  I would cry out loud and beg Him to knock me out.  And the more the clock moved along, the more discouraged I would become.  Knowing that the next morning I needed to be sharp as a tack to lead leaders, conquer logistics, and love on children, or build a house.  And although I was so frustrated with God for not just snapping His fingers and answering my prayers, I was grateful that He ALWAYS gave me what I needed to make it through the day.  

So where does the guilt come in?  I've been "unemployed" for 3 whole weeks now.  During this time, I have not accomplished much of anything.  I've spent a portion of every day with people I love.  I've made time for dinners, and walks, and frivolity.  Also during this time, I have slept a lot.  

I slept so late one day this week that its almost too embarrassing to say.  Let's just say that it was 15 minutes shy of noon.  

Now knowing my back story, I assume anyone reading this would say "Oh my gosh, this is SO great...good for you!"  And that's what I would say if I were reading this about someone else!

But somehow, Satan has tried to worm his way in...oh so subtly and sneakily.  It wasn't until yesterday morning that I realized that I was feeling guilty.  I felt guilty that all of my friends were getting up and going to work.  I felt guilty that I was sleeping instead of being a productive member of society.  I felt guilty that I had quit my job, and was sleeping the day away.

And then, God reminded me of the original intention He planned for this unknown season of my life.  

REST.  

Oh yea.  That's right.  It's even written as the headline for this blog...

Taking a year to live fully and completely in God's goodness and provision.  Along the way, I hope to find REST, love, laughter, and purpose.  

Rest is the thing that I've been dreaming of for so long.  And now that I'm getting it, you can bet that I will fiercely fight against this guilt that is trying to creep in.  No sir, you're not invited to the party.  As I learned, you're an imagined offense that wants me to feel a sense of inadequacy.  Nope.  

"When you lie down, you will not be afraid; when you lie down, your sleep will be sweet."  

-Proverbs 3:24

Baseline...

Months ago when I knew I would be taking a leap of faith into the unknown, I felt like the Lord was telling me that He wanted me to know who I am in Him.  Not in my job.  Not in my relationships. Not in my appearance.  Not in my belongings.

Now, exactly two weeks removed from having a job, and several months removed from having a beautiful home, and really cool things, I find myself at the baseline.  The cash register has been balanced.  The tare is set at zero.  

I find myself stripped down of all of my qualifiers.  There is now nothing that defines who I am except for who I really am.  I guess I could let the term "unemployed" sneakily creep in and try to tell me who I am, or how others view me.  But, I don't accept that.  That's not who I am, it's simply something that I've chosen, with God's permission (and blessing) that I am sinking into...for now. 

I was at a party last week.  The weather was perfect.  A duo was set up on the back porch with their instruments.  It was a surprise for the birthday boy.  They were mesmerizing.  And not just because it was the most beautiful night in dreamy North Carolina.  Although, that never hurts!  They were just good.  Really good.  They have the kind of voices that would challenge you to not feel something.  I think it would be impossible.  

My friend, Matt, was standing next to me, and he said "Do you think they have any idea just how good they really are?!"  My response was "There's no way they could know, unless someone tells them."  

You don't know you're pretty unless someone tells you.

You don't know you're smart until someone makes mention of it. 

You didn't know you were fat until someone told you.

You didn't know you had a big nose until someone pointed it out.

As kids, we were blissfully unaware of what made us special...or what made us weirdos.  We didn't know a lot of things about ourselves, until someone else decided to share their perspective.  And who's to say that their perspective was correct?

I don't have many (if any) earthly, marketable talents.  But one thing that I've heard consistently is that I'm an encourager.  I believe in telling people when they look pretty, or they smell nice.  I believe in telling people the things about them that I find lovely.  And good.  And kind.  I'm sure I've made many a person feel uncomfortable with my unfiltered words of praise.  But, I will never say anything that I don't mean.  I don't and won't give false compliments.  

I know that at times, I've also hurt people I love with my big 'ol mouth.  I know I've said things that were unkind, uncensored, and mean.  Some of the things might have been true statements, but often the things I zeroed in on were simply from my perspective.  And again, who is to say that my perspective is right?  Maybe my judgment on a given day was off, because my attitude sucked.  Or because I was feeling bad about myself.  Or someone had said something to me that hurt me, and propelled me forward to hurt someone else.  Or sometimes I'm just a jerk.  

What others say about us matters.  We're fooling ourselves to say it doesn't.  It's nice to be praised.  And truthfully, we should all take more time to build each other up.

But, what we get from others shouldn't be our primary source of identity.  It simply should be the overflow.  The gravy on top.  It shouldn't speak louder than what God has already told us.  

What if we all decided to zero out today?  To let our baseline be the fact that God tells us that we are fearfully and wonderfully made?  That in Him, we are a new creation, and that we are chosen, because He first loved us?

What if we let him slough off all of the layers of lies, and hurts, and crap that we have bought into for years, and truly believed the things that He has written?

Because really, if we believe in and buy into the notion that, "as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved," wouldn't we more naturally do the following "...clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience." 

I believe that when we feel loved, we are able to be more loving.  

Empty me, oh God, and fill me back up each day with your truth.  

Pinata full of joy...

Oh gosh...I've had THE BEST few days.

I'm just so grateful right now.  If you were to string me up like a pinata, and hit me with a stick, joy would come bursting out.  

On Thursday, I was able to travel to Charlotte/Boone.  Oh how wonderful to hug the people I love so very much.  

I've said this before, and I'll say this again...I don't know how I hit the friend jackpot.  This world is filled with people that I love, and for some reason, they love me too.  

On Friday, as my friend Tiffany and I were driving back to Boone, we were just chatting.  Chatting about the big and little things in life.  I had not even finished the following sentence, and the phone rang..."I believe that my house will get a contract on it this weekend....."  You guessed it, it was my Realtor calling...to tell me that someone was really interested in the house.  I HADN'T EVEN FINISHED MY SENTENCE!!

We were about to get on the plane that night, and my phone rang...it was my Realtor again, telling me that after 7 days on the market, that we had an offer.  And, I accepted it!  

As soon as I got off the plane in DC, my friend, Janette was waiting for me!  She came to spend the weekend with me, and it was DELIGHTFUL!  We saw the sites.  We saw the Blue Angels fly over Chesapeake Bay.  We ate delicious food.  But, all of that was secondary to being in the same room as my friend.  On Saturday night, we just sat and chatted for hours and hours.  We have lived life together.  We know each others deepest and darkest secrets.  We've rejoiced and cried with each other.  We've asked each other the hard questions.

Oh, how wonderful it is to be known.  And as we talked, I realized that I said several times "I know who I am."  What?!  Somehow, someway, I know who I am.  I have embraced who God has made me to be.  I somehow know my place in the world, and how others see me.  And, I accept it.  I'm an imperfect mess, who sends inappropriate ambien texts, and trips at least 4 times a day.  I get my arm stuck in random places.  I accidentally resend texts to the person that sent them to me, and I am a complete goofball.  But God has used me, imperfect me, to do great and mighty things for him.  Things that I'm not qualified to do.  I've said several times in the past week, that I am NOT the most qualified person for the things that the Lord has called me to do.  In fact, I may be the least qualified.  But, I'm willing.  And that might be the biggest thing I have going for me.  I trust God, and I will always go where he sends me, even when I know I don't possess the skills that are needed.  

I learned a long time ago that "God doesn't call the equipped, he equips the called."  That's me, to a T.  I'm not qualified for most of the things I've done...God just simply keeps showing up, and equipping me.

God is near...

I had intentions of trying to write a blog post several times a week.  The last thing I wrote was on August 28th, and I didn't finish it.

It was titled "Lonely..."  At the moment I started it, I felt desperately lonely.  And then, just moments later, something had shifted, and it wasn't necessary to finish it.  See below for my incomplete but completely humbling post.
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Lonely.

I feel like we're not allowed to say that word.  It doesn't feel socially acceptable to utter that word, especially when referring to self.  That if we admit to this, that we are a failure.  That we aren't worthy.  That there is something wrong with us.

But today, I am taking a big gulp, with a lump in my throat and saying that I am lonely.  Not always.  Not even usually.  But right now, in this moment, I am.
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And then, as soon as I put the period on that last sentence, God showed up.  Not in a subtle way.  I feel like he tackled me with his presence, and gave me a big bear hug.

It was more than receiving funny, sweet, encouraging text messages from people.  It was more than finding out in that moment my friend Brittany was coming to visit.  Those things were amazing and wonderfully timed...and I'm so grateful for all of that.

But more than anything, it felt like God changed my thoughts, my perception, and my reality in that moment.

The baseline of almost everything I write is a prayer.  Although others may read it, it's really a time for me to be completely honest and share my heart with the Lord.

Essentially, this lump inducing word vomit was really a prayer...and God heard me and showed up before I could even finish writing it.  Wow.

To be sure, I will be lonely again. And it will feel awful.  And God may not show up nearly as fast the next time.  But, I can be certain in the midst of every emotion that God is indeed near.

You won't lead me where you don't go...

I have a lump in my throat this morning.  I am moments away from the ugly cry.

So far, DC has been a pretty solitary experience for me.  Although I tend to be a little bit hermity, I also need people.  I need hugs.  I need laughter.  I like community.

I don't have any of these things.  Yet.  And, since this is such a short season, I may not ever find these things here.  But, I'm praying that God will surprise me, and blow my socks off with blessings.

I came into the office this morning, and there is only one other person here.  Her name is Tiffany, and she is great.  She's the head attorney working on Pastor Saeed's case.  She is 32.  She loves Jesus.  And this morning, as I sat in her office, God used her to speak directly to me.  We don't know each other.  Really. We've had one lunch together, and a handful of short, work related conversations.

Somehow, she ended up playing a song for me.  It's called "We Dance."  And we sat in her office and cried. Both knowing that we are in similar seasons in our faith journey.

Trusting God.
Separating the truth from the lies
Knowing who we are in Him, and not in the world
Trading our mourning for joy

And right now, all I want to do is curl up under a big blanket and cry my eyes out.  I want to take time and pour out my every thought to the Lord.  But, that will have to wait.  There is work to be done, so I'm asking God to dry up my tears for the time being, to allow me to focus on the life fight for Pastor Saeed.

I'm also asking God to be bold but gentle with me right now.  That He will spin me round and round and round.