Living in want...

It's been a few weeks since I've written anything.  I just didn't feel like writing. I don't feel like writing today.  But, as with each time, God has nudged me, so I'm being obedient.  

I mentioned before that I was working in the OCC warehouse.  I did that for the past 4 weeks.  It was hard.  Really hard.  My body ached every single night.  I had bruises from head to toe.  And funny enough, I learned the hard way that I have an allergy to cardboard.  After putting together several hundred cardboard boxes one day, my eyes swelled shut, and my throat closed shut.  So, that was fun!  I've learned that I have to keep my contact with cardboard to a minimum, which is virtually impossible in a warehouse.  Most days, it's not too bad, and it just leaves me a little bit itchy.

Last week we started our training for the upcoming processing season (which starts today).  I'm the Quality Control Manager (which I think is hilarious!) for the second shift.  I'll be working from 2:30-11:30 pm.  This is 6 days a week, and will go until December 20th.  And wouldn't you know, my area is in charge of cardboard collection and removal.  Haha! 

Although I'll miss out on every social activity for the next month, I am SO grateful that I can sleep in. In the midst of working, God has still figured out a way to give me rest. He's pretty great like that.  

I've had to process some things this week, and battle a little bit of guilt.  Many of the people I'll be working second shift with are working other jobs.  They have families they are supporting, and need this extra, seasonal income to make ends meet.  They are working all day, and then coming in to work the night shift.  They will have very little contact with their families for 4 weeks.

I've felt a little bit silly and shallow when I think about the fact that I don't need this job.  Now, it's not that I'm rolling in dough.  It's just that every decision that I've made in the last 10 months was to make sure that I could afford to live, potentially jobless, for the next year.  And truthfully, that has come with many sacrifices on my end. I sold all of my belongings.  I sold my home.  I've chosen to move into a room, instead of owning or renting.  I don't have any debt, and my car is paid off.  

I've been churning all of this around in my head.  And what I've decided is that guilt gets you nowhere.  Our circumstances are our own, and aren't really comparable to others.  And if I'm letting you into the depths of my heart, I would much prefer that I needed this job, because it would mean that I had a family that is counting on me.  I would trade the financial freedom of a single person for a family of my own in a heartbeat.  I'd love to be in debt up to my ears because my husband and I are in the process of adopting.  I'd love to take an extra job to pay for my kids' braces.  I'd love to fight with my spouse about the stress of not having enough, and then working together to come up with a solution.  

Phew.  That was hard to write.  I'm ugly crying right now.  

Life is hard.  We always want what others have.  But, 'ol Paul was on to something:  

"I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength."

I may have plenty, but I am still living in want. Oh Father, please help me to be content.

Her...

I've been waiting for this moment. I knew it would eventually happen. I wasn't sure when, but I knew it would be soon.

It was this morning.

I sent this text to my friend, Brittany.

"I knew it would happen eventually, and today is the day...that the weight of all the changes in my life feel suffocatingly heavy. So I'm just sitting on the back steps and crying, and praying and processing. Oh how I wish you were sitting next to me right now."

I sold everything I own. I moved out of my house. It sat empty for three months. I moved in with a most gracious friend. I quit my job. I moved to DC two days later for six weeks. I came back to North Carolina. I'm working for the next two months. I closed on my house. Some of my relationships have lessened, and some have deepened. There are future dreams and possibilities swirling. There is just a a lot going on.

And although I'm all in, and I trust God, this morning, I was sad. And I was missing the familiar. And more than anything, I missed waking up in a bed I own, and sitting outside on my porch. And I don't feel bad about that. I think it's ok to mourn the loss of things and places and memories.

But in the midst of that moment, my champ of a friend sent me the following:

"Welcome to it buddy... The place where there is nothing to hold onto but Him. No job, no home, no person that you can latch onto to be reminded of who you are. And it's terrifying. It feels like free falling, but having no idea what is going to catch you... or when. My best advice to you, Let Go. Lean into it friend. You've taken the steps. Life is crazy. Now you have to trust Him in the fall. When your heart skips and you can't catch your breath, breathe Him in. He is there with you. Holding you. And anything else that your hands could grab would make you feel safe but would never be what you really need. I don't think most people ever get here. Don't miss this moment that you're in. It will end. I know that it's so hard when what you're grabbing onto you can't see. But in that He's teaching you to see Him in everything. I love you."

And really, although this entry begins telling you where I'm at and how I'm feeling, it's really just a gateway for me to tell you about her. Brittany Girle.  The words she sent me were perfect, as always.

I'm pretty sure she's my hero. I'm pretty sure anyone that has ever met her feels that way about her.

She has had the biggest impact on me spiritually of anyone I've ever met. I've never seen someone fight so fiercely to live their life for God. She is also an idiot...in the very best way! She's the most entertaining and ridiculous person I know. She is up for any and every adventure. She makes me laugh like no other.

We have walked (sometimes carried, pushed, pulled, dragged) through the darkest moments of our lives together. We have been on our faces in prayer for each other. We have sometimes yelled and screamed at one another. We have walked through death and heartache. Lots of heartache.

She calls me out when I need to be called out. Always in love. In fact, she called me out about something today.

She has extended me more grace than any person deserves.

She is the girl that every boy falls in love with, and every person wants to be her friend.

She is kind, and generous, and never judgmental.

We sort of started our friendship with me being her teacher, and now, she is mine.

In the midst of the unknown, I am so grateful for this friend who knows me. I am so grateful that we are walking through life together.

I am so grateful to love and be loved by her.

Dreaming without goals...

I was texting back and forth with a friend last night, and I wrote the following words:

"I may have dreams, but I don't have goals."  

I hit send before I even let that concept fully wash over me.  I had never uttered that exact sentence before.  My fingers typed something that must have been living in the recesses of my brain.  

Those words stopped me in my tracks for a minute.  So much so, that I copied and pasted them into the notes section of my phone.  I didn't want to forget this tiny phrase, and knew that I would want to process it more later.

So this rambling, is me processing these words, with you. 

Truthfully, this sentence doesn't make much sense to me.  I'm a doer.  If I want to accomplish something, I set out immediately to get it done.  It seems ridiculous to me to have a dream, with no plans or goals to be able to accomplish it.  

And seemingly, that's exactly where God has me.  Telling me to dream as big as I can imagine, and then telling me to sit back, and do nothing.  But God, this is me...you know me.  You know that I can't just sit back.  I have some ideas of how we can accomplish these dreams.  Don't you want to hear my ideas?  Don't you want me to go ahead and get started?!  

Nope.  In this season, God has repeatedly told me that He doesn't need my help.  He wants to take care of me.  He has told me that I don't need to seek out answers, but that He will bring them to me.

This is just so foreign to me.  But, He's doing just that.  On almost a daily basis I utter the following words to friends..."can I just tell you what crazy thing God did today?!"  

He keeps showing up.  In crazy ways.  With crazy blessings.  Some of the blessings aren't things that I would have chosen for myself.  And that is precisely why He is in charge, and not me. Because He knows better.  He knows the full picture, where I only have a limited view.  

And hear me when I say, I have BIG DREAMS.  There are some possibilities that quicken my heart. God has allowed me to take the teeniest tiniest steps towards one of these dreams.  But truthfully, I would have already made great leaps if it was up to me.  But its not.  So I wait in obedient anticipation until He tells me to move again.  

At the beginning of this journey I wrote:

"I feel like he's written my story, and everyday, he lets me flip a page.  I don't get to read ahead.  I don't get to skip pages.  And more than anything, I'm trying not to skim the content."

I feel like my story is getting gooooooood!  So good that I would pay full price on my kindle for it, and not wait until it became available online for free from my public library!  

Humbled...

Today was a wake up call.

Before I start, please hear my heart.  I don't think I'm too good for any job, and I don't look down on others based on their employment roles.

Today, I was a warehouse worker, and I will be for the next several weeks.  I hauled really heavy boxes.  I learned how to use a pallet jack so that I could load and move hundreds of thousands of pounds of supplies.  I counted and recorded thousands of items that were donated.

For 10 years, I built houses.  I hauled sheet-rock and bags of concrete.  I was strong.  Really strong.

Now, four years removed from house building, I'm not so strong anymore.  My wrists, arms, and shoulders hurt tonight.  I sort of dread knowing that I need to go back and do it all again tomorrow. And the next day, and the next.  I'm a 40 year old women with fibromyalgia...this isn't exactly my dream job!

We are in the process of clearing out the OCC warehouse to make room to process thousands upon thousands of shoeboxes towards the end of November.  One of the areas that I needed to move today was Team Distributions.  This was my area.  For the last 4 years I took those stored supplies to beautiful countries around the world.  Today, I used a pallet jack to move these items so they could be put on a trailer.

Hmmm....that was a bit humbling.  And again, not because I think I'm too good to do this, but because it was God taking me to the baseline (again).

I knew I would have to battle some stray thoughts as I walked into the building this morning.  I knew that I would have to fight some of the lies that our job defines who we are.  I knew that there were certain people I would probably feel sheepish in front of as I stood there sweating in my filth covered jeans.

One of the main things I've wanted out of this whole journey is to learn who I am in Christ.  Today was a step in knowing.  Stripped again of all qualifiers.  Just simply living and serving...no matter what the task is.  I hope that I will like the zeroed out/stripped version of me.  I hope that in the midst of doing hard tasks that I don't really enjoy, that an unexpected joy will be revealed.

On an unrelated note, I just signed the closing papers on my house...by Wednesday, I will no longer be a homeowner.  Nothing in my life is recognizable, and I love and hate it.  I love being a homeowner more than most.  I LOVE LOVE LOVE having a home and making it my own.  Giving it and my belongings up is the biggest sacrifice I've ever made.  But God told me to, so I did.

And He told me it was ok to leave my job, so I did.  And He told me to move to DC for six weeks, so I did.  And He told me to take a job in a warehouse, so I did.

Although some of things He's asked me to do have been painful, I'm just glad he's speaking to me!!
How wonderful to see the path He is mapping out for me...even though some of it has been very painful, and little of it has made sense to me.

I'm all in, God.  All in.

Failing...

I'm failing...at unemployment.

I've known for months that I would be working in the Operation Christmas Child processing center in Boone from November 19th-December 20th.

On Thursday, I was asked if I would be willing to start a bit early.  As in that coming Monday.  Now, as in tomorrow.

I didn't hesitate to say yes.  During this whole process, God keeps impressing on my heart that He does not want me to pursue options, but that He will bring opportunities to me.  And even in the opportunities, He has given me the freedom to say yes or no.

I've been approached about several full time jobs, and I've closed those doors.

But the last two opportunities from Samaritan's Purse (Pastor Saeed Prayer Vigil and now working with OCC again) were easy yeses.  I felt a peace about each of these things.  I knew that God clearly opened these doors, and I freely walked through them.

I started laughing as soon as I told them I was willing to start early.  I fretted last week about the guilt I felt for getting too much rest.  Ha!  God knew what was next.  He knew that instead of having another 3 weeks of down time, that I would be quickly entering the next phase of my journey.

Watching the way that God keeps weaving the details of my life has been so beautiful.  He has been so big, so real, and so present.

Heading back to work tomorrow means seeing my closest friends everyday.  It means having an extra 3 weeks of income for a very unknown future.  It means working in a different aspect of a ministry that I have loved dearly for the last four years.  I'm excited to develop an even deeper love, through this different perspective.

By years end, I should have been jobless for four months...and instead, it will have been a total of four weeks.  Oh geez, God is hilarious!

This next little while may not bring the rest I've gotten the last few weeks, but I'm sure that God will use it to help accomplish the other three things that I'm actively pursuing...rest, LOVE, LAUGHTER, and PURPOSE.

Well, I need to start getting ready for bed...because I have to set my alarm clock for the first time in several weeks.  :/  I am terribly bad at mornings.

These past months have been such an incredible journey in my faith and relationship with Christ. Can't wait to see what is next.  I'm betting it will make me laugh as well.

Guilt...

I've been fighting an invisible battle these past few weeks.

Guilt.  

Ugh.  

What a sneaky and conniving emotion, especially when it's not warranted.   

I wanted to see what the actual definition for guilt is...and oh man, this is right on the nose.

"GUILT:  Feelings of culpability especially for imagined offenses or from a sense of inadequacy."  

Yep Merriam-Webster, you NAILED it.  

Much like Gwyneth and Chris, I made a conscious uncoupling...with employment.  After 15 years of leading teams on international mission trips, I was just tired.  In every way.  And honestly, I asked God how much longer I had to do it.  And at that moment, He released me.  (But oh how I miss my ministry family...both at Casas por Cristo and Operation Christmas Child.)  

More than being tired emotionally or spiritually, I was tired physically.  Many of you know that I have battled with sleep issues for the past 15+ years.  But only my nearest and dearest know just how devastatingly bad it has been.  And when I say bad, I mean terrible.  There were many (too many to count) nights that I didn't sleep at all.  Not a wink.  There was one stretch of time that I didn't sleep (AT ALL) for almost seven days.  Mind you, that on these nights, I had taken and done everything I knew to do, with no success.  Ambien, valerian root, benadryl...usually a combination of these, often times, all of these.  The morning would come, and not only hadn't I slept, but then I felt like a drugged zombie.  

I was sleepless in almost every country I ever visited.  I would lay awake each night and cry.  I was SO angry with the Lord.  SO VERY ANGRY.  I would cry out loud and beg Him to knock me out.  And the more the clock moved along, the more discouraged I would become.  Knowing that the next morning I needed to be sharp as a tack to lead leaders, conquer logistics, and love on children, or build a house.  And although I was so frustrated with God for not just snapping His fingers and answering my prayers, I was grateful that He ALWAYS gave me what I needed to make it through the day.  

So where does the guilt come in?  I've been "unemployed" for 3 whole weeks now.  During this time, I have not accomplished much of anything.  I've spent a portion of every day with people I love.  I've made time for dinners, and walks, and frivolity.  Also during this time, I have slept a lot.  

I slept so late one day this week that its almost too embarrassing to say.  Let's just say that it was 15 minutes shy of noon.  

Now knowing my back story, I assume anyone reading this would say "Oh my gosh, this is SO great...good for you!"  And that's what I would say if I were reading this about someone else!

But somehow, Satan has tried to worm his way in...oh so subtly and sneakily.  It wasn't until yesterday morning that I realized that I was feeling guilty.  I felt guilty that all of my friends were getting up and going to work.  I felt guilty that I was sleeping instead of being a productive member of society.  I felt guilty that I had quit my job, and was sleeping the day away.

And then, God reminded me of the original intention He planned for this unknown season of my life.  

REST.  

Oh yea.  That's right.  It's even written as the headline for this blog...

Taking a year to live fully and completely in God's goodness and provision.  Along the way, I hope to find REST, love, laughter, and purpose.  

Rest is the thing that I've been dreaming of for so long.  And now that I'm getting it, you can bet that I will fiercely fight against this guilt that is trying to creep in.  No sir, you're not invited to the party.  As I learned, you're an imagined offense that wants me to feel a sense of inadequacy.  Nope.  

"When you lie down, you will not be afraid; when you lie down, your sleep will be sweet."  

-Proverbs 3:24

Baseline...

Months ago when I knew I would be taking a leap of faith into the unknown, I felt like the Lord was telling me that He wanted me to know who I am in Him.  Not in my job.  Not in my relationships. Not in my appearance.  Not in my belongings.

Now, exactly two weeks removed from having a job, and several months removed from having a beautiful home, and really cool things, I find myself at the baseline.  The cash register has been balanced.  The tare is set at zero.  

I find myself stripped down of all of my qualifiers.  There is now nothing that defines who I am except for who I really am.  I guess I could let the term "unemployed" sneakily creep in and try to tell me who I am, or how others view me.  But, I don't accept that.  That's not who I am, it's simply something that I've chosen, with God's permission (and blessing) that I am sinking into...for now. 

I was at a party last week.  The weather was perfect.  A duo was set up on the back porch with their instruments.  It was a surprise for the birthday boy.  They were mesmerizing.  And not just because it was the most beautiful night in dreamy North Carolina.  Although, that never hurts!  They were just good.  Really good.  They have the kind of voices that would challenge you to not feel something.  I think it would be impossible.  

My friend, Matt, was standing next to me, and he said "Do you think they have any idea just how good they really are?!"  My response was "There's no way they could know, unless someone tells them."  

You don't know you're pretty unless someone tells you.

You don't know you're smart until someone makes mention of it. 

You didn't know you were fat until someone told you.

You didn't know you had a big nose until someone pointed it out.

As kids, we were blissfully unaware of what made us special...or what made us weirdos.  We didn't know a lot of things about ourselves, until someone else decided to share their perspective.  And who's to say that their perspective was correct?

I don't have many (if any) earthly, marketable talents.  But one thing that I've heard consistently is that I'm an encourager.  I believe in telling people when they look pretty, or they smell nice.  I believe in telling people the things about them that I find lovely.  And good.  And kind.  I'm sure I've made many a person feel uncomfortable with my unfiltered words of praise.  But, I will never say anything that I don't mean.  I don't and won't give false compliments.  

I know that at times, I've also hurt people I love with my big 'ol mouth.  I know I've said things that were unkind, uncensored, and mean.  Some of the things might have been true statements, but often the things I zeroed in on were simply from my perspective.  And again, who is to say that my perspective is right?  Maybe my judgment on a given day was off, because my attitude sucked.  Or because I was feeling bad about myself.  Or someone had said something to me that hurt me, and propelled me forward to hurt someone else.  Or sometimes I'm just a jerk.  

What others say about us matters.  We're fooling ourselves to say it doesn't.  It's nice to be praised.  And truthfully, we should all take more time to build each other up.

But, what we get from others shouldn't be our primary source of identity.  It simply should be the overflow.  The gravy on top.  It shouldn't speak louder than what God has already told us.  

What if we all decided to zero out today?  To let our baseline be the fact that God tells us that we are fearfully and wonderfully made?  That in Him, we are a new creation, and that we are chosen, because He first loved us?

What if we let him slough off all of the layers of lies, and hurts, and crap that we have bought into for years, and truly believed the things that He has written?

Because really, if we believe in and buy into the notion that, "as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved," wouldn't we more naturally do the following "...clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience." 

I believe that when we feel loved, we are able to be more loving.  

Empty me, oh God, and fill me back up each day with your truth.