All will be well...

I'm about to start the part of my journey that I thought I would begin on August 15th.

For the first time since I resigned, I don't know what is next.  And although that is scary, that is exactly what this year is about.  Trusting.

I had a dream, and it looked like it was going to come to fruition in January.  It involved land and joy and celebrations.  But, God closed that door.  For the most part, I'm peaceful about it.  But, there is a small part of me that mourns the loss of what could have been.

This made me think about the phrase "It is well..."  This has sort of been my mantra for the last 4-5 years.  Sometimes I've said it in hopes that I would believe it.  You know, fake it 'til you make it. Other times, it has absolutely been well with my soul.

Right now though, even if all isn't completely well, I know that all WILL be well.

I was praying this morning, and realized that I apologized to God for questioning things.  And immediately, I heard Him say "You idiot, you can always ask me questions.  You can always come to me and ask me the great and unsearchable things you do not know."  (This might be a loose paraphrase of what I heard God say to me!)  :)

Oh how good He is to me.  He is so patient with my ridiculous self.

I've got this song on repeat this morning.  It does a much better job of explaining my heart right now, than I ever could.

ALL WILL BE WELL

Gabe Dixon Band

The new day dawns
And I am practicing my purpose once again
It is fresh and it is fruitful if I win but if I lose
Oooooo I don't know
I will be tired but I will turn and I will go
Only guessing til I get there then I'll know
Oh oh oh I will know

All the children walking home past the factories
Could see the light that's shining in my window as I write this song to you
All the cars running fast along the interstate
Can feel the love that radiates
Illuminating what I know is true
All will be well
Even after all the promises you've broken to yourself
All will be well
You can ask me how but only time will tell

The winter's cold
But the snow still lightly settles on the trees
And a mess is still a moment I can seize until I know
That all will be well
Even though sometimes this is hard to tell
And the fight is just as frustrating as hell
All will be well

All the children walking home past the factories
Could see the light that's shining in my window as I write this song to you
All the cars running fast along the interstate
Can feel the love that radiates
Illuminating what I know is true
All will be well
Even after all the promises you've broken to yourself
All will be well
You can ask me how but only time will tell

Keep it up and don't give up
And chase your dreams and you will find
All in time

All the children walking home past the factories
Could see the light that's shining in my window as I write this song to you
All the cars running fast along the interstate
Can feel the love that radiates
Illuminating what I know is true
All will be well
Even after all the promises you've broken to yourself
All will be well
You can ask me how but only time will tell

All will be well
Even after all the promises you've broken to yourself
All will be well
You can ask me how but only time will tell

You can ask me how but only time will tell

Living in want...

It's been a few weeks since I've written anything.  I just didn't feel like writing. I don't feel like writing today.  But, as with each time, God has nudged me, so I'm being obedient.  

I mentioned before that I was working in the OCC warehouse.  I did that for the past 4 weeks.  It was hard.  Really hard.  My body ached every single night.  I had bruises from head to toe.  And funny enough, I learned the hard way that I have an allergy to cardboard.  After putting together several hundred cardboard boxes one day, my eyes swelled shut, and my throat closed shut.  So, that was fun!  I've learned that I have to keep my contact with cardboard to a minimum, which is virtually impossible in a warehouse.  Most days, it's not too bad, and it just leaves me a little bit itchy.

Last week we started our training for the upcoming processing season (which starts today).  I'm the Quality Control Manager (which I think is hilarious!) for the second shift.  I'll be working from 2:30-11:30 pm.  This is 6 days a week, and will go until December 20th.  And wouldn't you know, my area is in charge of cardboard collection and removal.  Haha! 

Although I'll miss out on every social activity for the next month, I am SO grateful that I can sleep in. In the midst of working, God has still figured out a way to give me rest. He's pretty great like that.  

I've had to process some things this week, and battle a little bit of guilt.  Many of the people I'll be working second shift with are working other jobs.  They have families they are supporting, and need this extra, seasonal income to make ends meet.  They are working all day, and then coming in to work the night shift.  They will have very little contact with their families for 4 weeks.

I've felt a little bit silly and shallow when I think about the fact that I don't need this job.  Now, it's not that I'm rolling in dough.  It's just that every decision that I've made in the last 10 months was to make sure that I could afford to live, potentially jobless, for the next year.  And truthfully, that has come with many sacrifices on my end. I sold all of my belongings.  I sold my home.  I've chosen to move into a room, instead of owning or renting.  I don't have any debt, and my car is paid off.  

I've been churning all of this around in my head.  And what I've decided is that guilt gets you nowhere.  Our circumstances are our own, and aren't really comparable to others.  And if I'm letting you into the depths of my heart, I would much prefer that I needed this job, because it would mean that I had a family that is counting on me.  I would trade the financial freedom of a single person for a family of my own in a heartbeat.  I'd love to be in debt up to my ears because my husband and I are in the process of adopting.  I'd love to take an extra job to pay for my kids' braces.  I'd love to fight with my spouse about the stress of not having enough, and then working together to come up with a solution.  

Phew.  That was hard to write.  I'm ugly crying right now.  

Life is hard.  We always want what others have.  But, 'ol Paul was on to something:  

"I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength."

I may have plenty, but I am still living in want. Oh Father, please help me to be content.

Her...

I've been waiting for this moment. I knew it would eventually happen. I wasn't sure when, but I knew it would be soon.

It was this morning.

I sent this text to my friend, Brittany.

"I knew it would happen eventually, and today is the day...that the weight of all the changes in my life feel suffocatingly heavy. So I'm just sitting on the back steps and crying, and praying and processing. Oh how I wish you were sitting next to me right now."

I sold everything I own. I moved out of my house. It sat empty for three months. I moved in with a most gracious friend. I quit my job. I moved to DC two days later for six weeks. I came back to North Carolina. I'm working for the next two months. I closed on my house. Some of my relationships have lessened, and some have deepened. There are future dreams and possibilities swirling. There is just a a lot going on.

And although I'm all in, and I trust God, this morning, I was sad. And I was missing the familiar. And more than anything, I missed waking up in a bed I own, and sitting outside on my porch. And I don't feel bad about that. I think it's ok to mourn the loss of things and places and memories.

But in the midst of that moment, my champ of a friend sent me the following:

"Welcome to it buddy... The place where there is nothing to hold onto but Him. No job, no home, no person that you can latch onto to be reminded of who you are. And it's terrifying. It feels like free falling, but having no idea what is going to catch you... or when. My best advice to you, Let Go. Lean into it friend. You've taken the steps. Life is crazy. Now you have to trust Him in the fall. When your heart skips and you can't catch your breath, breathe Him in. He is there with you. Holding you. And anything else that your hands could grab would make you feel safe but would never be what you really need. I don't think most people ever get here. Don't miss this moment that you're in. It will end. I know that it's so hard when what you're grabbing onto you can't see. But in that He's teaching you to see Him in everything. I love you."

And really, although this entry begins telling you where I'm at and how I'm feeling, it's really just a gateway for me to tell you about her. Brittany Girle.  The words she sent me were perfect, as always.

I'm pretty sure she's my hero. I'm pretty sure anyone that has ever met her feels that way about her.

She has had the biggest impact on me spiritually of anyone I've ever met. I've never seen someone fight so fiercely to live their life for God. She is also an idiot...in the very best way! She's the most entertaining and ridiculous person I know. She is up for any and every adventure. She makes me laugh like no other.

We have walked (sometimes carried, pushed, pulled, dragged) through the darkest moments of our lives together. We have been on our faces in prayer for each other. We have sometimes yelled and screamed at one another. We have walked through death and heartache. Lots of heartache.

She calls me out when I need to be called out. Always in love. In fact, she called me out about something today.

She has extended me more grace than any person deserves.

She is the girl that every boy falls in love with, and every person wants to be her friend.

She is kind, and generous, and never judgmental.

We sort of started our friendship with me being her teacher, and now, she is mine.

In the midst of the unknown, I am so grateful for this friend who knows me. I am so grateful that we are walking through life together.

I am so grateful to love and be loved by her.

Dreaming without goals...

I was texting back and forth with a friend last night, and I wrote the following words:

"I may have dreams, but I don't have goals."  

I hit send before I even let that concept fully wash over me.  I had never uttered that exact sentence before.  My fingers typed something that must have been living in the recesses of my brain.  

Those words stopped me in my tracks for a minute.  So much so, that I copied and pasted them into the notes section of my phone.  I didn't want to forget this tiny phrase, and knew that I would want to process it more later.

So this rambling, is me processing these words, with you. 

Truthfully, this sentence doesn't make much sense to me.  I'm a doer.  If I want to accomplish something, I set out immediately to get it done.  It seems ridiculous to me to have a dream, with no plans or goals to be able to accomplish it.  

And seemingly, that's exactly where God has me.  Telling me to dream as big as I can imagine, and then telling me to sit back, and do nothing.  But God, this is me...you know me.  You know that I can't just sit back.  I have some ideas of how we can accomplish these dreams.  Don't you want to hear my ideas?  Don't you want me to go ahead and get started?!  

Nope.  In this season, God has repeatedly told me that He doesn't need my help.  He wants to take care of me.  He has told me that I don't need to seek out answers, but that He will bring them to me.

This is just so foreign to me.  But, He's doing just that.  On almost a daily basis I utter the following words to friends..."can I just tell you what crazy thing God did today?!"  

He keeps showing up.  In crazy ways.  With crazy blessings.  Some of the blessings aren't things that I would have chosen for myself.  And that is precisely why He is in charge, and not me. Because He knows better.  He knows the full picture, where I only have a limited view.  

And hear me when I say, I have BIG DREAMS.  There are some possibilities that quicken my heart. God has allowed me to take the teeniest tiniest steps towards one of these dreams.  But truthfully, I would have already made great leaps if it was up to me.  But its not.  So I wait in obedient anticipation until He tells me to move again.  

At the beginning of this journey I wrote:

"I feel like he's written my story, and everyday, he lets me flip a page.  I don't get to read ahead.  I don't get to skip pages.  And more than anything, I'm trying not to skim the content."

I feel like my story is getting gooooooood!  So good that I would pay full price on my kindle for it, and not wait until it became available online for free from my public library!  

Humbled...

Today was a wake up call.

Before I start, please hear my heart.  I don't think I'm too good for any job, and I don't look down on others based on their employment roles.

Today, I was a warehouse worker, and I will be for the next several weeks.  I hauled really heavy boxes.  I learned how to use a pallet jack so that I could load and move hundreds of thousands of pounds of supplies.  I counted and recorded thousands of items that were donated.

For 10 years, I built houses.  I hauled sheet-rock and bags of concrete.  I was strong.  Really strong.

Now, four years removed from house building, I'm not so strong anymore.  My wrists, arms, and shoulders hurt tonight.  I sort of dread knowing that I need to go back and do it all again tomorrow. And the next day, and the next.  I'm a 40 year old women with fibromyalgia...this isn't exactly my dream job!

We are in the process of clearing out the OCC warehouse to make room to process thousands upon thousands of shoeboxes towards the end of November.  One of the areas that I needed to move today was Team Distributions.  This was my area.  For the last 4 years I took those stored supplies to beautiful countries around the world.  Today, I used a pallet jack to move these items so they could be put on a trailer.

Hmmm....that was a bit humbling.  And again, not because I think I'm too good to do this, but because it was God taking me to the baseline (again).

I knew I would have to battle some stray thoughts as I walked into the building this morning.  I knew that I would have to fight some of the lies that our job defines who we are.  I knew that there were certain people I would probably feel sheepish in front of as I stood there sweating in my filth covered jeans.

One of the main things I've wanted out of this whole journey is to learn who I am in Christ.  Today was a step in knowing.  Stripped again of all qualifiers.  Just simply living and serving...no matter what the task is.  I hope that I will like the zeroed out/stripped version of me.  I hope that in the midst of doing hard tasks that I don't really enjoy, that an unexpected joy will be revealed.

On an unrelated note, I just signed the closing papers on my house...by Wednesday, I will no longer be a homeowner.  Nothing in my life is recognizable, and I love and hate it.  I love being a homeowner more than most.  I LOVE LOVE LOVE having a home and making it my own.  Giving it and my belongings up is the biggest sacrifice I've ever made.  But God told me to, so I did.

And He told me it was ok to leave my job, so I did.  And He told me to move to DC for six weeks, so I did.  And He told me to take a job in a warehouse, so I did.

Although some of things He's asked me to do have been painful, I'm just glad he's speaking to me!!
How wonderful to see the path He is mapping out for me...even though some of it has been very painful, and little of it has made sense to me.

I'm all in, God.  All in.

Failing...

I'm failing...at unemployment.

I've known for months that I would be working in the Operation Christmas Child processing center in Boone from November 19th-December 20th.

On Thursday, I was asked if I would be willing to start a bit early.  As in that coming Monday.  Now, as in tomorrow.

I didn't hesitate to say yes.  During this whole process, God keeps impressing on my heart that He does not want me to pursue options, but that He will bring opportunities to me.  And even in the opportunities, He has given me the freedom to say yes or no.

I've been approached about several full time jobs, and I've closed those doors.

But the last two opportunities from Samaritan's Purse (Pastor Saeed Prayer Vigil and now working with OCC again) were easy yeses.  I felt a peace about each of these things.  I knew that God clearly opened these doors, and I freely walked through them.

I started laughing as soon as I told them I was willing to start early.  I fretted last week about the guilt I felt for getting too much rest.  Ha!  God knew what was next.  He knew that instead of having another 3 weeks of down time, that I would be quickly entering the next phase of my journey.

Watching the way that God keeps weaving the details of my life has been so beautiful.  He has been so big, so real, and so present.

Heading back to work tomorrow means seeing my closest friends everyday.  It means having an extra 3 weeks of income for a very unknown future.  It means working in a different aspect of a ministry that I have loved dearly for the last four years.  I'm excited to develop an even deeper love, through this different perspective.

By years end, I should have been jobless for four months...and instead, it will have been a total of four weeks.  Oh geez, God is hilarious!

This next little while may not bring the rest I've gotten the last few weeks, but I'm sure that God will use it to help accomplish the other three things that I'm actively pursuing...rest, LOVE, LAUGHTER, and PURPOSE.

Well, I need to start getting ready for bed...because I have to set my alarm clock for the first time in several weeks.  :/  I am terribly bad at mornings.

These past months have been such an incredible journey in my faith and relationship with Christ. Can't wait to see what is next.  I'm betting it will make me laugh as well.

Guilt...

I've been fighting an invisible battle these past few weeks.

Guilt.  

Ugh.  

What a sneaky and conniving emotion, especially when it's not warranted.   

I wanted to see what the actual definition for guilt is...and oh man, this is right on the nose.

"GUILT:  Feelings of culpability especially for imagined offenses or from a sense of inadequacy."  

Yep Merriam-Webster, you NAILED it.  

Much like Gwyneth and Chris, I made a conscious uncoupling...with employment.  After 15 years of leading teams on international mission trips, I was just tired.  In every way.  And honestly, I asked God how much longer I had to do it.  And at that moment, He released me.  (But oh how I miss my ministry family...both at Casas por Cristo and Operation Christmas Child.)  

More than being tired emotionally or spiritually, I was tired physically.  Many of you know that I have battled with sleep issues for the past 15+ years.  But only my nearest and dearest know just how devastatingly bad it has been.  And when I say bad, I mean terrible.  There were many (too many to count) nights that I didn't sleep at all.  Not a wink.  There was one stretch of time that I didn't sleep (AT ALL) for almost seven days.  Mind you, that on these nights, I had taken and done everything I knew to do, with no success.  Ambien, valerian root, benadryl...usually a combination of these, often times, all of these.  The morning would come, and not only hadn't I slept, but then I felt like a drugged zombie.  

I was sleepless in almost every country I ever visited.  I would lay awake each night and cry.  I was SO angry with the Lord.  SO VERY ANGRY.  I would cry out loud and beg Him to knock me out.  And the more the clock moved along, the more discouraged I would become.  Knowing that the next morning I needed to be sharp as a tack to lead leaders, conquer logistics, and love on children, or build a house.  And although I was so frustrated with God for not just snapping His fingers and answering my prayers, I was grateful that He ALWAYS gave me what I needed to make it through the day.  

So where does the guilt come in?  I've been "unemployed" for 3 whole weeks now.  During this time, I have not accomplished much of anything.  I've spent a portion of every day with people I love.  I've made time for dinners, and walks, and frivolity.  Also during this time, I have slept a lot.  

I slept so late one day this week that its almost too embarrassing to say.  Let's just say that it was 15 minutes shy of noon.  

Now knowing my back story, I assume anyone reading this would say "Oh my gosh, this is SO great...good for you!"  And that's what I would say if I were reading this about someone else!

But somehow, Satan has tried to worm his way in...oh so subtly and sneakily.  It wasn't until yesterday morning that I realized that I was feeling guilty.  I felt guilty that all of my friends were getting up and going to work.  I felt guilty that I was sleeping instead of being a productive member of society.  I felt guilty that I had quit my job, and was sleeping the day away.

And then, God reminded me of the original intention He planned for this unknown season of my life.  

REST.  

Oh yea.  That's right.  It's even written as the headline for this blog...

Taking a year to live fully and completely in God's goodness and provision.  Along the way, I hope to find REST, love, laughter, and purpose.  

Rest is the thing that I've been dreaming of for so long.  And now that I'm getting it, you can bet that I will fiercely fight against this guilt that is trying to creep in.  No sir, you're not invited to the party.  As I learned, you're an imagined offense that wants me to feel a sense of inadequacy.  Nope.  

"When you lie down, you will not be afraid; when you lie down, your sleep will be sweet."  

-Proverbs 3:24

Baseline...

Months ago when I knew I would be taking a leap of faith into the unknown, I felt like the Lord was telling me that He wanted me to know who I am in Him.  Not in my job.  Not in my relationships. Not in my appearance.  Not in my belongings.

Now, exactly two weeks removed from having a job, and several months removed from having a beautiful home, and really cool things, I find myself at the baseline.  The cash register has been balanced.  The tare is set at zero.  

I find myself stripped down of all of my qualifiers.  There is now nothing that defines who I am except for who I really am.  I guess I could let the term "unemployed" sneakily creep in and try to tell me who I am, or how others view me.  But, I don't accept that.  That's not who I am, it's simply something that I've chosen, with God's permission (and blessing) that I am sinking into...for now. 

I was at a party last week.  The weather was perfect.  A duo was set up on the back porch with their instruments.  It was a surprise for the birthday boy.  They were mesmerizing.  And not just because it was the most beautiful night in dreamy North Carolina.  Although, that never hurts!  They were just good.  Really good.  They have the kind of voices that would challenge you to not feel something.  I think it would be impossible.  

My friend, Matt, was standing next to me, and he said "Do you think they have any idea just how good they really are?!"  My response was "There's no way they could know, unless someone tells them."  

You don't know you're pretty unless someone tells you.

You don't know you're smart until someone makes mention of it. 

You didn't know you were fat until someone told you.

You didn't know you had a big nose until someone pointed it out.

As kids, we were blissfully unaware of what made us special...or what made us weirdos.  We didn't know a lot of things about ourselves, until someone else decided to share their perspective.  And who's to say that their perspective was correct?

I don't have many (if any) earthly, marketable talents.  But one thing that I've heard consistently is that I'm an encourager.  I believe in telling people when they look pretty, or they smell nice.  I believe in telling people the things about them that I find lovely.  And good.  And kind.  I'm sure I've made many a person feel uncomfortable with my unfiltered words of praise.  But, I will never say anything that I don't mean.  I don't and won't give false compliments.  

I know that at times, I've also hurt people I love with my big 'ol mouth.  I know I've said things that were unkind, uncensored, and mean.  Some of the things might have been true statements, but often the things I zeroed in on were simply from my perspective.  And again, who is to say that my perspective is right?  Maybe my judgment on a given day was off, because my attitude sucked.  Or because I was feeling bad about myself.  Or someone had said something to me that hurt me, and propelled me forward to hurt someone else.  Or sometimes I'm just a jerk.  

What others say about us matters.  We're fooling ourselves to say it doesn't.  It's nice to be praised.  And truthfully, we should all take more time to build each other up.

But, what we get from others shouldn't be our primary source of identity.  It simply should be the overflow.  The gravy on top.  It shouldn't speak louder than what God has already told us.  

What if we all decided to zero out today?  To let our baseline be the fact that God tells us that we are fearfully and wonderfully made?  That in Him, we are a new creation, and that we are chosen, because He first loved us?

What if we let him slough off all of the layers of lies, and hurts, and crap that we have bought into for years, and truly believed the things that He has written?

Because really, if we believe in and buy into the notion that, "as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved," wouldn't we more naturally do the following "...clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience." 

I believe that when we feel loved, we are able to be more loving.  

Empty me, oh God, and fill me back up each day with your truth.  

Pinata full of joy...

Oh gosh...I've had THE BEST few days.

I'm just so grateful right now.  If you were to string me up like a pinata, and hit me with a stick, joy would come bursting out.  

On Thursday, I was able to travel to Charlotte/Boone.  Oh how wonderful to hug the people I love so very much.  

I've said this before, and I'll say this again...I don't know how I hit the friend jackpot.  This world is filled with people that I love, and for some reason, they love me too.  

On Friday, as my friend Tiffany and I were driving back to Boone, we were just chatting.  Chatting about the big and little things in life.  I had not even finished the following sentence, and the phone rang..."I believe that my house will get a contract on it this weekend....."  You guessed it, it was my Realtor calling...to tell me that someone was really interested in the house.  I HADN'T EVEN FINISHED MY SENTENCE!!

We were about to get on the plane that night, and my phone rang...it was my Realtor again, telling me that after 7 days on the market, that we had an offer.  And, I accepted it!  

As soon as I got off the plane in DC, my friend, Janette was waiting for me!  She came to spend the weekend with me, and it was DELIGHTFUL!  We saw the sites.  We saw the Blue Angels fly over Chesapeake Bay.  We ate delicious food.  But, all of that was secondary to being in the same room as my friend.  On Saturday night, we just sat and chatted for hours and hours.  We have lived life together.  We know each others deepest and darkest secrets.  We've rejoiced and cried with each other.  We've asked each other the hard questions.

Oh, how wonderful it is to be known.  And as we talked, I realized that I said several times "I know who I am."  What?!  Somehow, someway, I know who I am.  I have embraced who God has made me to be.  I somehow know my place in the world, and how others see me.  And, I accept it.  I'm an imperfect mess, who sends inappropriate ambien texts, and trips at least 4 times a day.  I get my arm stuck in random places.  I accidentally resend texts to the person that sent them to me, and I am a complete goofball.  But God has used me, imperfect me, to do great and mighty things for him.  Things that I'm not qualified to do.  I've said several times in the past week, that I am NOT the most qualified person for the things that the Lord has called me to do.  In fact, I may be the least qualified.  But, I'm willing.  And that might be the biggest thing I have going for me.  I trust God, and I will always go where he sends me, even when I know I don't possess the skills that are needed.  

I learned a long time ago that "God doesn't call the equipped, he equips the called."  That's me, to a T.  I'm not qualified for most of the things I've done...God just simply keeps showing up, and equipping me.

God is near...

I had intentions of trying to write a blog post several times a week.  The last thing I wrote was on August 28th, and I didn't finish it.

It was titled "Lonely..."  At the moment I started it, I felt desperately lonely.  And then, just moments later, something had shifted, and it wasn't necessary to finish it.  See below for my incomplete but completely humbling post.
-------------------
Lonely.

I feel like we're not allowed to say that word.  It doesn't feel socially acceptable to utter that word, especially when referring to self.  That if we admit to this, that we are a failure.  That we aren't worthy.  That there is something wrong with us.

But today, I am taking a big gulp, with a lump in my throat and saying that I am lonely.  Not always.  Not even usually.  But right now, in this moment, I am.
---------------------

And then, as soon as I put the period on that last sentence, God showed up.  Not in a subtle way.  I feel like he tackled me with his presence, and gave me a big bear hug.

It was more than receiving funny, sweet, encouraging text messages from people.  It was more than finding out in that moment my friend Brittany was coming to visit.  Those things were amazing and wonderfully timed...and I'm so grateful for all of that.

But more than anything, it felt like God changed my thoughts, my perception, and my reality in that moment.

The baseline of almost everything I write is a prayer.  Although others may read it, it's really a time for me to be completely honest and share my heart with the Lord.

Essentially, this lump inducing word vomit was really a prayer...and God heard me and showed up before I could even finish writing it.  Wow.

To be sure, I will be lonely again. And it will feel awful.  And God may not show up nearly as fast the next time.  But, I can be certain in the midst of every emotion that God is indeed near.

You won't lead me where you don't go...

I have a lump in my throat this morning.  I am moments away from the ugly cry.

So far, DC has been a pretty solitary experience for me.  Although I tend to be a little bit hermity, I also need people.  I need hugs.  I need laughter.  I like community.

I don't have any of these things.  Yet.  And, since this is such a short season, I may not ever find these things here.  But, I'm praying that God will surprise me, and blow my socks off with blessings.

I came into the office this morning, and there is only one other person here.  Her name is Tiffany, and she is great.  She's the head attorney working on Pastor Saeed's case.  She is 32.  She loves Jesus.  And this morning, as I sat in her office, God used her to speak directly to me.  We don't know each other.  Really. We've had one lunch together, and a handful of short, work related conversations.

Somehow, she ended up playing a song for me.  It's called "We Dance."  And we sat in her office and cried. Both knowing that we are in similar seasons in our faith journey.

Trusting God.
Separating the truth from the lies
Knowing who we are in Him, and not in the world
Trading our mourning for joy

And right now, all I want to do is curl up under a big blanket and cry my eyes out.  I want to take time and pour out my every thought to the Lord.  But, that will have to wait.  There is work to be done, so I'm asking God to dry up my tears for the time being, to allow me to focus on the life fight for Pastor Saeed.

I'm also asking God to be bold but gentle with me right now.  That He will spin me round and round and round.

dichotomy...

Night 3 in DC.  Also, my first night alone here.

The last two days were spent with a coworker, now turned friend, from Boone.  She met me on Sunday night to show me the ropes, and to introduce me to my contact at the ACLJ (American Center for Law and Justice).  We laughed and ate our way through DC over the last few days.  It was really nice.  She left this morning.

Today, I spent my first day in my new office.  Funny enough, it's right across the street from the Supreme Court, and looks directly into Colin Powell's office.  With my history of ridiculousness, I'm pretty sure 'ol Colin and I will be having lunch in no time!  Until then, anyone have any binoculars I can borrow?!

I've been doing a lot of thinking about Pastor Saeed over the past few days.  He's in an Iranian prison for simply being a believer.  He is part of the persecuted church.  He is being beaten for his faith.

I was undeniably called to the mission field nearly 15 years ago.  It was a Sunday morning, and it was the National Day of Prayer for the Persecuted Church.  It was the clearest I have ever heard the Lord speak to me.  Since that time, I have been serving the marginalized.  Serving those that simply need some outside help.  And today, as I sat in my new swanky office, in my pretty new heels that gave me terrible blisters, I realized that my life and calling has come full circle.  Somehow, God has plunked me smack in the middle of one of the biggest examples of the persecuted church in recent history.  I get to help plan an event that we hope will shed light not only on his situation and persecution, but on this plight around the world.

And ultimately, we pray for his release.  Until then, my heart is burdened with thoughts of him, and his family.  His wife and babies, who he hasn't seen in two years.  I pray in this moment that he will feel the Lord's presence.  I pray that the members of ISIS that are in the prison will have no opportunity to harm him.  I pray that where his body is wounded, that there would be healing.  

I'll be living across from the Pentagon for the next 42 days.  I can see it from my hotel window.  What a dichotomy.  Seeing this symbol of freedom, while in the midst of a fight for someone that has no freedom.  If you're reading this, you most likely live in "the land of the free, and the home of the brave".  I want to invite you to join this fight.  To exercise your freedom to help another, and others, that you will most likely never meet.  Please take a minute to visit:  http://beheardproject.com/prayer-vigil/saeed

I'll be in DC for the kickoff on September 25th, and would love to see you and your churches become part of these grassroots vigils on September 26th.

Until now, Saeed has just been a story that I've heard.  Now, I'm overwhelmed with the details of his imprisonment, and what his family has been through during this separation.

Would you right now, take a minute to pray?  To boldly pray for his release?  Oh, what a day that will be!  I'll bring the cake!  

Ms. Lowrey goes to Washington...

God keeps surprising me.  Every.  Single.  Day.  

I was approached late last week about an opportunity to work on a special project for Samaritan's Purse.  It came completely out of left field.  As soon as it was explained and offered, I knew that I was supposed to accept it.

I've been looking forward to a season of rest.  My last day with OCC is this coming Friday.  I just found out yesterday that I will leave for DC on Sunday.  Instead of a season of rest, I now have 1 day.  

So, that's different.  

My friend asked me if I'm ok with it.  As it is so different than what I've been anticipating.  My immediate answer was "God knows that my sense of adventure is greater than my desire for rest."  

And beyond that, I trust God.  He keeps telling me to simply wake up each day, and He will reveal the next steps.  

I'm not able to supply a lot of details right now, but I'll be moving to Washington DC for a month and a half to work with Samaritan's Purse and the ACLJ (American Center for Law and Justice) to help coordinate an event for Pastor Saeed Abedin. (American/Iranian Pastor that is currently imprisoned in Iran.)  

Will you please pray for Pastor Saeed?  Just today, the ACLJ posted this story:  http://aclj.org/iran/isis-militants-issue-death-threats-against-pastor-saeed-from-within-rajai-shahr-prison

I feel like there is A LOT going on in my life right now.  I'm unable to process everything that is happening. 

And that's ok.  

I'm just taking one minute at a time.  Trusting God with the big and small details of my life.

She's my daughter too...

I was talking to my Dad the other night, and he shared with me that these last few months he has been worried about my future.  My parents are very solid and financially responsible people.  They have been perfect examples of financial stewardship.  

My Dad found himself being anxious that I won't have health insurance.  Worried about me not having an income.  Worried that the contract on my house fell through.  Just worried, because he loves me, and wants me to be OK.

He said about a month ago he was praying...telling God what was on his heart about me.  And he heard God say the following..."She's my daughter too.  Don't worry, I will take care of her."  

Oh gah.  I love that SO much.  My dad said after that, he felt peace. 

I am so grateful to have an earthly and Heavenly Father that love and care for me.

I also love that my Mom ended our conversation by praying for me, and the desires of my heart.

Thanks to my Mom and Dad for always being part of my crazy, adventurous life.  I know it doesn't always make sense, but you raised me to trust the Lord, and I do.  Love you.  

Launched...

In church this morning, my friend (and Pastor), Jason, shared a story that left me wondering why I ever wear makeup to church.  I should just stop.  I cry it off...every. single. time.

He shared about when he knew God was calling him to be the Pastor of a little mountain church in Boone. Jason, didn't want that.  But God pursued him, and confirmed that calling. (And we all thank God that Jason listened!)

Jason shared that He felt like God was throwing him up in the air.  Like a Father would do with a child.  And as gravity has a tendency to take over, the child will always fall.  To be caught.  And typically thrown up again.  There's always an up and down. But Jason shared that during this time, he never felt like he came back down...but that God came up to him.  Ultimately to throw him higher and higher each time.

This spoke to me in ways that I can't even begin to share with you.  But, this is how I've been feeling lately.  Knowing, undoubtedly, that God has been throwing me in the air.  And how fun and delightful that has been.  But, I've been feeling the fall that inevitably comes with it.  And each time, the Lord catches me.  And when it's time to launch me again, I feel myself having to take that deep breath of preparedness that comes with being launched.

This morning, through Jason, the Lord put a new prayer on my heart.  That God will continue to toss me, but that He will raise up to meet me, instead of having to catch me when I fall.

I could use a little bit of momentum in my life right now.  Everything is different.  Not much is familiar.  The future is completely unknown.  I'm embracing every little thing that is coming my way, but its hard.  And at times, a little bit isolating.

I am grateful for these words this morning, and my new prayer.

Free Falling...

5 years ago today in Fiji I jumped out of a plane at 12,000 feet. Choosing to fall head first out of the plane was terrifying, but then the free fall was pure bliss. 

Think there is a life lesson there...

Ugh...

Sometimes I get tired of being "on guard".  I think about how nice it would be if I didn't have to be on high alert...always being aware of and being prepared to fight against Satan's attacks.  

I've felt so loved and protected lately.  Feeling like I'm in God's palm, safe from the attacks of the enemy.  But today, I felt that sneakiness creep in.  

The things that happened today were of little consequence, and quite small in the grand scheme of it all.  But, I started to feel the suffocating weight of worry.  I'm not a worrier by nature.  My faith and relationship with God is flawed in many ways.  But the one thing that I've always leaned on is that I trust God, and I always believe that He will work things out.  

Today, I worried about money.  I never worry about money.  It was compounded by the fact that I was sitting in the dentist's chair (which always makes for the worst moments of my life!) trying not to hyperventilate.  Learning that I had four ("they call me Yuck Mouth, because I don't brush...") cavities, and that I now have to go back to the dentist twice in the next few weeks.  Gulp.  And that those visits will cost me $200.  Double gulp.  And sitting in the chair, already on the verge of panic because it's my least favorite activity, I remembered that I got a speeding ticket two weeks ago that will cost me $240.  And of course, that was completely my fault, and I take full ownership. (Although I didn't realize I was speeding...which is an issue all on its own!)  And after I left the torture, that most people refer to as a teeth cleaning, I stopped to pick up my new contacts.  Another $200.  

As of two weeks, I don't have a job.  I don't have an income.  And all of these months leading up to this, God has clearly told me not to sweat it.  That He will take care of me.  That if I'll let Him, He'll provide.  But today, I let my guard down for a minute.  I let worry creep in.  I let my doubts and fears take over.  

And then I remembered...that I am God's kid.  That Satan has no right to creep into my life.  I have the armor of God on.  I will stand firm, and I will let God do the fighting for me.  

"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God,so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.


And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people." Ephesians 6:10-18

Closer...

Isn't it nice to feel understood?!  To feel heard?  To feel connected?  

I was unexpectedly blessed today by a conversation about my "next steps".  I felt understood.  I felt heard.  I felt connected.  And even better, I felt validated.  I in no way need validation for my decisions, as I am swimming in complete peace.  But, how lovely to see the person across from me smile and nod with understanding.  Not just because they cared about what I was saying, but because they have walked a very similar path before, and know that I have a grand adventure in store.  I walked away feeling so encouraged and grateful for like-mindedness.   

-----------

I went on a walk tonight.  I put a song on repeat.  (Not shocking to anyone that knows me!)  It's called "Closer".  I've been listening to this for days.  It has spoken volumes to me.  As I was walking through the beauty of the mountains tonight, I realized that my hands were raised above my head.  It was an involuntary response to the music I was hearing, the beauty around me, and the grace, mercy and closeness that I am feeling to the Lord.  He is worthy to be praised...even if that means looking like a crazy person in the middle of the road.

Closer--Bethel Music
Your love has ravished my heart
And taken me over, taken me over
And all I want is to be
With You Forever, with You forever

Pull me a little closer
Take me a little deeper
I want to know Your heart
'Cause your love is so much sweeter
Than anything I've tasted
I want to know Your heart

Real or not real???

Real or not real?  

This will reveal that I'm a 13 year old girl at heart.  I remember reading a line from the Hunger Games series that meant a lot to me. 

Peeta had lost his memory.  He doesn't know what is truth, and what is a lie.  He says to Katniss..."You love me.  Real or not real?  Katniss responds with "real."  

I love this.  Not because of the gushy love stuff.  But because we all need someone or lots of someones in our lives that will tell us real or not real.  

Satan is the master of lies.  He knows where we are tender.  He knows where we are weak.  He knows how to take us down.  He knows how to twist truth into lies.

I have somehow hit the friendship jackpot.  I have lots of someones that will speak truth into my life.  

I was driving home tonight, and I pulled over to the side of the road to talk to my friend, Brittany.  I shared something with her that was causing me anxiety.  Something that causes me to doubt all that I am.  I was sobbing.  She spoke truth over me.  She helped me weed through what is real, and what is not real.  

I believe that Satan wants us to leave our junk in the darkness.  To wallow in shame.  To carry our burdens by ourselves.  He knows that if we will keep our stuff in the shadows, that he has a better chance of perpetuating the lies.  I don't want that.  I don't need to share my "stuff" with everyone.  But I knew at this moment, that I didn't need to sit in a dark corner by myself.  I needed my friend to speak truth over me, and to remind me how ridiculously loved I am by our Lord.  

If you don't have a person that will help you know what is real or not real, I encourage you to seek one out.  Ask God to provide someone in your life that will always help point you to the light.  

"Beyond a doubt truth bears the same relation to falsehood as light to darkness."  Leonardo da Vinci 

A taste of things to come...

Today has been deeeelightful.  I took the day off to recoup from our crazy, fun, busy trip to Guyana.

Today has felt like a tiny taste of some of the things God has in store for the coming year.

I woke up and went for a beautiful, hilly walk.
I drank coffee on the back porch.
I read about God's love and promises.
I spent time praying out loud.
I talked to two of my dearest friends on the phone.
I've had "Fast Car" by Tracy Chapman on repeat.
I sanded and respackled my friends bathroom so that it would be ready to paint.  (I've gotta earn my keep!)

I've been lost in thought today.  Beautiful thoughts about the goodness of the Lord.  It has been amazing to have time to simply think and process.  And dream.  I've been doing a lot of dreaming today.  I like that.  It's been a while since I've dreamed big for MY life.  I feel like God has given me permission to tell him the things my heart longs for...without feeling sheepish or selfish.

It's funny, I was looking at the timehop app, and the following is a quote I posted exactly 4 years ago...

"It seems to me we can never give up longing and wishing while we are alive.  There are certain things we feel to be beautiful and good, and we must hunger for them."  George Eliot

Beautiful and good things.  I'm ready.

Things are getting real...

I have no idea how to manage a blog.  And truthfully, I'm not even sure I want to have a blog.  I take that back...I KNOW I don't want to have a blog.

But, I feel like I'm supposed to.  The Lord has been doing an exceptional work in my life, and I feel like He wants me to share his goodness with the masses.  (And by the masses, I mean the 10 people who will probably ever read this!)  

It's been a crazy, cool couple of months.  I feel like I'm in a sweet spot right now.  I see the Lord's thumbprint ALL over my life.  I feel like he's written my story, and everyday, he lets me flip a page.  I don't get to read ahead.  I don't get to skip pages.  And more than anything, I'm trying not to skim the content.  

My eyes are open.  My heart is ready.  My faith is engaged.  

This journey is going to be exciting.  And at times, this journey is going to suck.  It will be humbling.  It will be sacrificial.  It will test me to the limits of my organized self.  I don't get to be in charge.  I don't love that.  I'm a doer. I like to get things done.  I don't like to wait on others.  But, I am choosing to wait on the Lord.  

And along this journey, I hope to find rest, love, laughter, and purpose.  His ways are always better than ours.  I believe that.  I really do.  

I just finished leading my last trip to Guyana, and got a new phone number today.  Things are getting real.  My last day of work is August 15th, and my heart is in no way prepared to say goodbye to that community.  Obedience is sometimes very painful.  But, do what you always did, and get what you always got.  So...I'm jumping off the cliff, and really looking forward to the free fall.

These are words that I'm taking with me on my journey...

"There's nothing on my horizon except everything...everything is on my horizon."  Dwight K. Schrute